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Sorry for the delayed newsletters, folks, but we've just spent an outstanding three days in Fresno at the 46th annual Newsletter Writer Awards gala (NWAs for those in the "industry").

Besides relaxing poolside at the Fresno Four Seasons, gabbing with colleagues and sipping delightful Fresno-tinis, we had a grand time at the event itself, sweeping categories and coming home with a minivan load of awards!

We hope you'll take a moment to hear about our accomplishments and accolades for work done during 2008, as our team worked long and hard this year (a full 23% harder, number-cruncher Bob has figured) to pull out all the stops for a terrific newsletter!

Great work, team!

Here is the list of prestigious awards won by our department:

BEST STORY INVOLVING STANDARD GAUGE STAPLERS
Julie Sprucemiller; "Rent or Own? New Office Supply Procedures May Just Change your Mind" 

BEST INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING IN A NEWSLETTER
Eunice Lopang; "Who Put the Empty Half & Half Back in the Fridge?"

Anonymous; "How Toner Got Spilled on the Oriental Rug in the Big Conference Room"

BEST DESCRIPTION OF A PHOTOGRAPH IN A TEXT-ONLY ELECTRONIC NEWSLETTER
Coburn Lapidis; Photograph of Bee Pollinating Mariposa Lily in Yosemite National Forest with Couple Arguing in Background (J. Lamb, 2008) 

MOST HONEST ARTICLE ABOUT AN OFFICE EVENT
Jill Fleming; "Going Away Party for Coworker a Terrific Failure"

Wade Erbert; "You call THAT a Brown Bag Meeting?"

MOST ADJECTIVES USED IN AN ARTICLE (UNDER 200 WORDS)
Dan Freebright; "The Painful and Touching Story of the Unhappiest and Surely Most Lugubrious Vice President Our Prestigious Company has Seen in its Illustrious History" 

BEST RECIPE IN A NEWSLETTER (USING SPONSOR'S PRODUCT)
Alice Waters; "Light 'n Fluffy Kraft-Cheesy Bisquick Biscuits Smothered in Sumptuous El Monte Salsa"

BEST IMPLEMENTATION OF MAILROOM TECHNOLOGY
Briant Kerkes, Intern, for creative alphabetization

BEST BREAKING STORY IN A MONTHLY NEWSLETTER
Story by Bill Alexander (exclamations points by Dan Freebright); "EVERYONE GET OUT, THERE'S A FIRE IN THE BUILDING!!!"

BEST SUNDAY SUPPLEMENT
"Office Supply Shopping Guide 2007"

BEST TOEING OF THE CORPORATE LINE
Benjamin Malady; "Making Lunch at Your Desk Fun Again!"

BEST USE OF THE PHRASE "HUZZAH!" IN A COLUMN
M. Byron Cortez; "Filled out in Triplicate, M' Lady..." 

OUTSTANDING USE OF GREEK MYTHOS IN A NEWSLETTER
Dwight Herbert; "Opening Pandora's In-Box" 

EXCELLENT USE OF A DATED EXPRESSION IN A NEWSLETTER
Paula Schmidt; "The New Copy Center: Whoomp! There It Is!" 

RESTAURANT REVIEW
S. Irene Luckman; "In the Cafeteria this Week"

FASHION COLUMN
Dan Freebright; "The Fashionistas Got Nothin' on Them: The Glamour Girls of Finance"

BEST PIE CHART IN A COMPANY NEWSLETTER
IT Department; "Unread E-mails In Relation to Length of Tenure at Company"

Honorable Mention: Jacob Krakaer; "Paranormal Activity by Major Market"

BEST HISTORICAL FICTION
Brett Murphy; "Chairman Mao's PowerPoint Presentation"

EDITORIAL AWARD
Phillip Renaud; "Josh Levine, Send that Paperwork back up to Finance!" 

Congratulations again to the whole Newsletter Team. Keep up the great work!

Dear Customer Service,

I am writing to you today to file a complaint about the Super3000 Electromagnet I recently purchased from your Web site.

I had bought this magnet on a lark, since I am something of a science buff and often entertain the neighborhood children with feats of wonder involving static electricity, dry ice, and magnets with the assistance of my Yorkshire terrier, Charles Dogwin.

As excited as I was about my purchase, however, upon actually plugging the magnet in and turning it on I instantaneously lost power to my television, computer, VCR, CD player, and (for some reason) Dogwin's automatic watering bowl. In addition, my refrigerator moved three feet out of my kitchen, the metal vertical blinds in my living room stood on end, and every knife in my Henckels cutlery set flew out of its deluxe oak storage block and embedded itself into the wall behind me as if I was in some kind of animated TV show.

Though immediately shutting the magnet off did seem to return everything back to normal (with the exception of the fridge, which my wife and I moved back into the kitchen), I have been experiencing numerous problems around my home that, quite frankly, have me concerned, which I wish to address with your company.

To begin with, my extensive (and priceless) compass collection has been permanently and irreparably damaged. Each now believes the magnetic north pole lies somewhere between my andirons and the divan.

My beloved Dogwin has begun to shed profusely since that day, leaving mounds of fur wherever he lay. He has also begun vibrating.

Most frustratingly, however, is the fact that my entire VHS video collection has been wholly ruined from the brief exposure to the electromagnetic charge. The sheer power of the Super3000 Electromagnet has removed characters from select videos and placed them in others where they simply do not belong.

Imagine my alarm when I had planned a quiet evening at home watching an episode of Bonanza only to be jolted from my chesterfield by the appearance of Clint Eastwood as the "Outlaw Josey Wales". Eastwood promptly walked onto the Ponderosa and punched Little Joe in the eye then kicked him a few times while he was down.

Every VHS tape I own is now a victim of the electromagnet's wrath:

Hannibal Lecter has begun stalking the Golden Girls.

The Nazis from "The Sound of Music" have been replaced by the Nazis from "Schindler's List".

Keanu Reeves' characters from "The Matrix" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" have been irreversibly switched.

The lovable Beaver Cleaver has been emotionally damaged from his exposure to the Elephant Man in one episode and the cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in another.

Finally, Norma Desmond from "Sunset Blvd." has convinced George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life" that he's much better off dead, which changes the point of the movie considerably.

The only saving grace in this whole matter is the disappearance of Jar Jar Binks from Episode I of Star Wars (though he has turned up in a very minor role in Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now").

I will not even get into my extensive audiotape collection, as every time I mention Madonna and Waylon Jennings singing Don Giovanni I begin to weep uncontrollably.

As this is the first time you are hearing about my complaint, I have yet to contact a legal representative.

At the very least I hope you will consider returning my money for the Super 3000 Electromagnet.

Of course, my wish would be reimbursement for Dogwin's countless visits to the veterinarian and pet therapist, as well as money toward rebuilding my priceless media and compass collection.

Please do not contact me by phone, as I have been afraid to answer it since the last time I picked it up, I was mercilessly harassed by the killer from "Scream".

Scientists have discovered what they believe to be the first blog created by ancient man.

Uncovered in what is now southern Iraq and what was once the holy city of Nippur, clay tablet entries written by a citizen named Dubsar, a working class Cuneiform Scribe, show daily life in the city in a way that archeologists could never before fathom.

"What is truly astounding," said Peter Trummel of Boston University's Archeology Department, "is how much information Dubsar is able to give us about the life of the Sumerians. Here we've been conjecturing and quarrelling for years about the people who created the world's first written language and now we have literally hundreds of documents pertaining to life during those times. What they thought, what they believed, how they reacted to the world around them... It is, without a doubt, one of the most important Mesopotamian finds to date."

The tablets have also been sending shockwaves through the Web industry, who was just as surprised at the discovery of a blog written over 5000 years ago.

"Though not technically a 'Web' log, what this fellow was doing is jarringly close to what we've been working on for the last 13 years," commented Justin Hall, a man previously recognized as the world's first blogger.

"He was crafting tablets of his personal thoughts then leaving them outside his front door for everyone to add their own comments. Trackbacks, Links, Permalinks, and Categories, this guy thought of it all first. It's amazing," added the second oldest online diarist.

"His work, from what I've seen of it, reminds me quite a bit of Virginia Woolf's 'The Mark on the Wall'," commented Paul Stevens, General Editor of The Norton Anthology of English Literature. "On one level it's a record of Dubsar's daily thoughts. Yet on another level, the thoughts Dubsar thinks and more importantly the way he thinks them, amount to a manifesto for modern literature. Which is curious, as modern literature wouldn't be invented for another 4000 years."

Over the next few years (or decades) archeologists will be carefully translating each of these documents then releasing them to anxious archeologists, scientists, professors of literature, and bloggers around the globe.

The first four translated entries have just been made public, and we're extremely proud to publicize, for the first time in over 40 centuries, the work of Dubsar, the Nippurian Cuneiform Scribe.

Enjoy!

----------

4th Day in the month of Nanna:

I hate Anunnaki.

I hate the way he wears his hair, the way he breathes, the way he brings his lunch every day and eats it at his desk instead of going out to lunch with everyone else.

I hate the way his big, fat hands press his stylus onto the wet, clay tablets all day long.

Cuneiform Scribe, hah! My donkey, Anshe, is as much a Cuneiform Scribe as he is.

Will he never shut up about his big night last night in Nippur?! How many times must I hear about that beautiful girl he danced with? If he tells that story to another person who comes by, I swear I'll throw a ball of clay at his head.

Comments:

Don't worry, Dubsar, good things come to those who wait! (MDR)

Categories: Work, Personal, Bad Coworkers

----------

6th Day in the month of Enlil:

What a commute!

The route through the center of Parabus was blocked because they were rehearsing a play, and every man, woman, and child had to be rerouted through the city.

Of course, the detour meant all of us were traveling at a snail's pace on a small, broken road through the poorest part of the city. I almost got off Anshe and made a run for it, I was so late. As luck would have it, traffic eased up around the Inanna Temple (perhaps people were sneaking in to take a nap, because the month has been so hot).

I came in tardy only to find a full Inbox and all the barley cakes already gone.

Comments:

0

Categories: Commuting, Food and Drink, Work, Personal, Hoofed Beasts

----------

6th Day in the month of Utu

Has anyone checked out the fig cakes over at Belit-Sheri's Cakes 4 Less? They are nothing less than AWESOME!
 
Comments:

Are you on barley paste? Surely you must be being paid for this. I wouldn't buy my sister-in-law one of Belit-Sheri's fig cakes! (ML)

Categories: Food and Drink

----------

12th Day in the month of Enlil:

Mother Ninhursag, I've got to get another job.

One more day working beside with Anunnaki, and I am going to commit murder!

I should have listened to my mother and become a used donkey salesman. There's always money in that!

Why did I want to become a writer? Why was I so obsessed with the arts?

I ask myself that now whenever my hands are cramped proofreading someone else's sloppy inscriptions. Not to mention when I go to Xisuthros' big vacation house on the Euphrates. (Then again, he did just build a house for Urgil only to have it collapse on Urgil's whole family just a month later. So maybe there is justice after all.)

And I definitely will think about it every time Anunnaki tells me how sweaty his feet are then reaches down and takes off his terrible smelling sandals.

Murder, I tell you!

Comments:

Remember the Golden Rule! (PR)

It's okay, Dubsar, he'll get his in the end! "Wink!" (tp)

Don't give up! (bd)

Categories: Work, Personal, Body Odor, Bad Coworkers

Congratulations on your purchase of a new RockStar In-Vehicle Safety and Security System. We hope that you find our service easy to understand and potentially life saving to use!

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Where else are you be able to get valuable in-car assistance from rock legends like Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep), Rikki Rockett (Poison), Ben Sidran (Steve Miller Band), and Neal Doughty (R.E.O. Speedwagon)?

Only with RockStar!

We thank you for your patronage and look forward to providing years of rockin' good service!

---------

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In cases where you cannot answer the RockStar Advisor's inquiries because you just hit your larynx on the air bag, you may have to wait a few moments while he continues shouting, "Who IS THIS? Sidney, is that you? Come on, answer! Dude, this is NOT funny!!!" and finally figures out that it is indeed an emergency call. At this point, your RockStar Advisor will pack up their stuff and use the GPS to try to locate you and your vehicle. (Service unavailable by RockStar Advisors who have had their licenses revoked.)

SERVICE: Remotely Locking/Unlocking Door

DESCRIPTION: You lock your keys in the car and can't get back in.

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If you've forgotten to lock your doors once you're away from your vehicle, a RockStar Advisor can send a signal to lock them for you. (Keeping in mind, of course, that RockStars are extraordinarily forgetful and often cannot remember to pay rent, send birthday cards, or call their mothers. RockStar LLC is not liable for a RockStar Advisor forgetting to lock your car resulting in finding your vehicle stripped and up on blocks.)

SERVICE: Emergency Situations

DESCRIPTION: If you find yourself or another person in a situation where you need immediate assistance from police, fire, or emergency medical services (EMS), simply press the red emergency button.

BENEFIT: Your location information is transmitted and your call takes priority status on RockStar Advisor's screen. (However, if at the exact same time a pizza is arriving at the RockStar Advisor's front door or he is in the middle of a really good part of a DVD, this may take precedence over your emergency call. Do not panic, the Advisor will get to you as soon as the Pizza Guy is paid or the good part of the movie is over.)

SERVICE: Driving Directions

DESCRIPTION: Helpful RockStar Advisors with up-to-date computer maps are a great way to make sure you're headed in the right direction!

BENEFIT: Get directions without stopping. Upon your request, Advisors will use a global positioning system to locate your vehicle and give you clear(ish) directions to your destination or guidance to nearby motels, ATMs, seedy bars, all-night diners, and places to get a 20-foot,16-guage speaker cable at 3am. As many RockStar Advisors have previously been Pizza Delivery Men or Bicycle Couriers themselves, they know the shortcuts (both legal and through front yards) to get you where you're going quickly.
   

SERVICE: Ride Assistance

DESCRIPTION: Should you or your vehicle not be suitable for driving home, a RockStar Advisor will call a taxicab at your request.

BENEFIT: A (mostly) reliable way to make it home. If no cab is available, the RockStar Advisor or one of his out-of-work band mates will come pick you up in a van. Please do remember there may be some lag time if the RockStar Advisor is asleep or lapsing in and out of a drug-induced coma.

SERVICE: Stolen Vehicle Tracking

DESCRIPTION: If you determine that your vehicle has been stolen, RockStar will help the police determine its location. Contact a RockStar Advisor from your vehicle. Ooh, wait, your vehicle's been stolen. Right. We'll get back to you on this one.

BENEFIT: None yet.

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BENEFIT: RockStar gives you the one source for rock recommendations and information for most major U.S. cities (in which your RockStar Advisor has personally toured). Sample inquiries include: Where's the best place to crash when your girlfriend kicks you out? What's the difference between a Fender Telecaster and Stratocaster? Where can you get chicken and waffles on the same plate? Only your RockStar Advisor knows for sure!

SERVICE: Roadside Assistance

DESCRIPTION: Whether you need gas, a tire changed or your car towed, a RockStar Advisor may contact help. Then again, they may not.

BENEFIT: Minor at best. This service really depends on the mood and sobriety of the Advisor at the time of the call. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience. You may want to consider also joining the Automobile Club.

Thank you for joining the many satisfied customers already using RockStar In-Vehicle Safety and Security System to help make life easier and a little more rockin'.

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Remember, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, a RockStar is only a button away.

Give or take 40 minutes.

Or so.

__________________________________________________</

As a Rocker Mom, my days are so busy that I just don't have time to slow down.

Whether I'm taking little Nigel to his guitar soloing lessons or visiting my husband in rehab, it just seems I'm always on the go!

But I insist on eating dinner at home, even if it's in front of the TV watching old concert footage of The Doors or reruns of The Osbournes.

That's why my family always gets SwanSong's Frozen Dinner Favorites.

You may remember Swan Song Records as the 70's label put together by members of Led Zeppelin.

Even though Led Zep may never get back together, guitarist Jimmy Page and vocalist Robert Plant have been "jamming" with top chefs to concoct some of the most delicious rock-based delights sure to fill up even the hungriest Roadie!

Who better to know the appetites of a hungry Rock n' Roll family than its most influential stars?

If your day is like mine, spent trucking equipment across town to stale-smelling bars and converted loft rehearsal spaces, the last thing you want to do at 6 o'clock is try to whip up a Pot Roast with Onions and Carrots for your hungry crew.

You must be mental.

Before we started eating SwanSong Frozen Dinner Favorites, my family didn't know we even had an oven much less that I could cook (or reheat) in it.

Now we spend many nights the dining room table discussing guitar licks and seven-minute drum solos with delicious offerings like:

Fretless Fried Chicken Dinner

Salisbury "Tube Steak Boogie" Dinner

"Two Outta Three Ain't Bad" Meatloaf

All Beef Angus "Young" Mini Cheeseburgers

Whole Lotta Spuds

Glazed and Cornfused Ham Dinner

Great Chops and Applesauce

Rock the Mic-aroni & Cheese

Yellow Submarine Sandwiches

Wok & Roll Over Broccoli and Beef

Breaded Chicken "Kharmagiana"

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, & Prime Rib Dinner

Peas & Rice by the Dashboard Lights

Really Baked Alaska

And my family's absolute favorite:

Stairway to Heaven-ly Potatoes & Ham

I'm sure you and your family will think these dishes are hotter than a '64 Fender Stratocaster!

Why should you choose SwanSong when there are so many choices down the frozen food aisle?

When these two young Rock Gods weren't trashing hotel rooms or partying with groupies, they were in the kitchen (or on stage) whipping up delights like Shepherd's Pie and Chicken Roasted Over 500 Audience Lighters.

Is there a Rocker Mom out that doesn't trust that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant know what it takes to keep a hungry crowd yelling for more?

Plus, with each frozen meal you buy from SwanSong a donation will be made for Veggies for Rockers fund. V4R is a non-profit formed by Jimmy Page's wife and dedicated to introducing guitarists, drummers, bassists, and vocalists to vegetables of every color and creed.

How cool is that?

Hey, can YOUR frozen food company say that their CEO ends his board meetings by smashing his guitar to bits on the conference room table?

Not bloody likely!

Take it from me, a tattoo-wearing, muscle-car drivin' die-hard Rocker Mom; don't make taking care of your family turn you into a wimpy Hockey Mom...

Let SwanSong Frozen Dinner Favorites help you and your family kick out the jams and rock on!

From the "Apostrophe Rocks" column,

Rocker's Week magazine, September 30, 2008

All right lads, this is it.

After years of writing this column and trying to teach you cloth-eared beets the most basic of English punctuation, I'm chucking the whole thing.

Because I'm knackered.

Did you bunch of rockers even clap eyes on the apostrophe in that last sentence?

The one in "I'm"?

I'd lay my bets not.

I've been writing this column for FIVE bloody years and I STILL see articles entitled "Ozzys Black Sabbath" in this very publication.

Could you lads even pick out an apostrophe in a lineup?

Did you realize this column is actually named "Apostrophe Rocks" and its ONLY concern is the use of the bleeding apostrophe?

Mates, it's bad enough I have to walk into a fresh produce section at a grocery store and be surrounded by "potatoe's" and "tomatoe's", but to see apostrophes mangled by my own brethren rockers just gives me the worst kind of tandoori two-step.

You do know most mugs think we're a bunch of mullet wearing, Harley riding half-brains, right? Well, do you have to go out and bleeding prove it to them?

See here, I'm going to give it one more go, then we'll see how it goes next week.

Listen up.

The apostrophe.

You eyeballed one the last time you scratched out the words "Rock 'n Roll" on the bathroom stall. It's that curlicue that's hanging there before the little "n". (I know it should technically be "Rock 'n' Roll", but this is the only abuse of an apostrophe that doesn't bug the knickers off me.)

You use an apostrophe when you write "Elton John's latest CD is a load of rubbish" or write about "Steve Vai's awesome guitar lick".

You do NOT use one when you're nattering on about "A stack of Randall Amp's". "Amps" does not need an apostrophe, so don't mess with it! You might as well replace the humbucker off your '72 Les Paul, old marra. You're just trying to improve upon perfection.

Did I ever tell you I taught a young bloke named Jimmy Hendrix the difference between "it's" and "its"? I can teach you a thing or two.

"It's" is ONLY used in place of "it is", got it? You can say, "It's a mind blowing riff", but you do not say, "Our van lost it's transmission".

Same for goes for "who's". If you can swap it out with "who is" or "who has", then use "who's". "Who's been drinking all the Pabst?" and "Who's going to pick young Tommy up off the floor?"

I'm not asking you to toff it up like that Morrisey bloke, quoting Yeats and prancing about the cemetery. All I'm asking is you don't put a phrase like "Rock Babe's Pix" on your Web site.

A "Rock Babe's pix"? Of whom? Her dear old granny? Her little sniveling Pomeranian? NO! You want to let blokes know this is the place to find pictures of birds in their skivvies!

Use your heads, lads!

If you know where to put the umlaut on Motorhead and Motley Crue, then you can certainly play "Pin the Apostrophe to Form the Possessive of a Singular Noun", right? (That means "Nikki Sixx's tongue ring", chums, so start nodding your head in the affirmative).

It's your last shot to make me proud. Do your old pal Jimmy Morrison a favor (taught him a thing or two about taking the apostrophe off possessive pronouns, thank you very much.)

So go out and win one for Mr. Mojo Risin'.

(See, the apostrophe is indicating the omission of letters!)

God speed, lads.

Nigel Grace

P.S. And one last thing: I do not care how lagered up you get for your gigs or recording sessions, stay sober when you proof your liner notes and mind those bleeping apostrophes!

You can always go out and neck a pint of Guinness after.

Any punctuation errors in this article are not the fault of this publication, as it has been reprinted verbatim (with permission) from Rocker's Week. Inquiries should be directed to Nigel_Grace@punctuation.rock.org.

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The "oohs" and "ahhs" at Museum of Modern Art tonight might be about the newly exhibited pieces by the once unknown Jeffrey Minor.

Or they may be reactions as patrons discuss the current dollar figures these "doodles" are commanding at Sotheby's and Christie's auctions.

Ironic, considering Mr. Minor's work was being thrown away with the garbage only a few short years ago.

And that the artist himself will never see a cent.

Since Jeffrey Minor died over 3 years ago, his pen and ink drawings have become the darlings of the art world, resulting in packed gallery openings and dozens of private showings everywhere from uptown Manhattan to San Francisco's trendy SoMa district.

A frustrated film director, Minor himself never had an intention of becoming a fine artist. Failing to find a single job in the film industry after 15 years of trying, Minor settled into a long career as a Clerk in the Accounts Receivable department at the Number One Widget & Personal Watercraft Co. in Los Angeles. Minor's 6-figure pieces of art are actually doodles created while he was pretending to take notes during the company's famously boring staff meetings and briefings, as well as the long-winded tirades by the company's CEO, Bugliss D. Loadsgood III.

Minor's works, mostly of grimacing men in ill-fitting power suits, are both comical and heartbreaking. Critics describe them as possessing an eerie timelessness reminiscent of Picasso's Weeping Woman and Margaret Keane's big-eyed, waif-like children popular during the 1970s.

The artist's newfound notoriety isn't exactly welcomed by everyone, in particular, Woodster Tubbs, his previous manager.

"The guy basically never listened to any of his superiors," said Mr. Tubbs yelling over the noisy machinery in the widget factory. "In staff meetings he sat in the corner with this weird grin on his face, incessantly scribbling in that confounded notebook." After swigging from his fifth cup of coffee he added, "Everyone knew he was unhappy here, but he kept coming back, day after day. Even after we'd taken away his parking pass, phone, and chair and told him never to come back."

But return he did. The company's Human Resources Department confirmed that Minor continued to attend meetings and staff events for a full year and a half after he was fired.

"Worst of all," the artist's former manager winced, "During a quarterly meeting a few years back, John was doodling on a notepad and I took it from him and threw it out the window to make a point."

Wince he should. Experts put a Jeffrey Minor 8 1/2 x 11-inch doodle in the high $90 to $100K price range.

One of the artist's most powerful works, a six-armed figure with a coffee mug held by each, is currently owned by billionaire William Buffet and on display in his home library.

Some of Minor's co-workers remember him as a particularly irritated man and many in Accounts Receivable were surprised to discover that he wasn't still currently working in their department.

"I just sent some paperwork to him last week," muttered Velveeta Spumoni, another clerk, adding that most people in her department didn't notice he was particularly unhappy. A quick look around the floor, which boasts over 35 poorly Xeroxed copies of the infamous "You Want It When?" cartoon on its walls, shows she may indeed have a point.

"I think he secretly liked meetings, because it gave him tons of time to doodle. And live models to boot," said Candice Richardson, a co-worker who asked not to be named. "He was the only person laughing when we were dragged to that dreadful combination seminar, 'Sexual Harassment & Building Your 401(k)'. The worse the speakers got, the more pictures he cranked out."

Tonight's MoMa gala opening contains some of Minor's best-known illustrations paired with the works of other artists in an exhibition called "Artists from A/R".

Dan Rather, an avid Jeffrey Minor collector and on hand for a recent gallery showing, spoke candidly about the artist. "He consistently made poor life decisions. He was a brilliantly dreadful film director and even worse at differentiating between debits and credits in his chosen profession. Oddly, these failures only fueled his work as a Doodle Artist."

He added quietly, "I don't even want to get into his choice of a wife."

The veteran newsman was cut short by a well-aimed bump from Minor's widow, who had crept up behind him in her now trademark moccasins and Puma jogging shorts. Mrs. Minor, now receiving the windfall of profits from her deceased husband's artwork sales, can only be politely described as a bitter shrew bent on making everyone around her miserable. The art world crone muttered something under her breath about CBS before making a beeline for the hors d'oeuvres.

If it seems everyone is making out well except the artist himself, you are not far off. Minor, who would have been 55 this month, had tried rather unsuccessfully to kill himself more than 143 times over the years. Attempting everything from wetting his nose and sticking it into a light socket to throwing himself in front of a moving Yugo, Minor actually died of boredom while trying to make it through the Director's Cut of John Travolta's "Battlefield Earth".

Mr. Minor's work will be on display at MoMA until October 31st.

In a landmark case, the estate of Mr. Ronald Dodgson is suing the estate of Andy Warhol on the grounds that Mr. Dodgson did not receive his 15 minutes of fame before he passed away.

"It's an outrage," exclaimed the Dodgson estate's lawyer, Paul Nyquist, during his press conference held in the Colonial Meeting Room at Anaheim's Ramada Inn. "Ronald Dodgson wanted nothing but to be recognized on a worldwide scale. And whether he did anything remarkable in his life (which, notably, he did not), he deserves those precious 15 minutes, just the same as Emeril Lagasse or that guy at Walmart screaming, 'Isn't anything made in the United States anymore?!'"

In his own press conference, the lawyer for Warhol's estate articulated that the artist intended his comment as a wry observation on media publicity in the late 20th century, not as a guarantee of fame. He also indicated that Mr. Warhol did not wear a wig and name-calling was unnecessary, apparently in reference to previous correspondence from Nyquist.

When Nyquist was asked what kind settlement the Dodgson estate was seeking, he replied that the Warhol estate merely needed to provide his deceased client with his additional 12 minutes of fame, however they saw fit.

"We're basically giving them carte blanche in their handling of this," Nyquist said. "We'll take anything except those ugly 'Lipstick' paintings Warhol was always doing. I don't think Mr. Dodgson would've wanted that."

When asked about why his client was only requesting 12 minutes instead of 15, he calmly responded that Mr. Dodgson had already had his 3 minutes of fame.

Apparently in 1967 Mr. Dodgson stood in a grocery store line behind singer Lena Horne's business manager, John Hammond, while Hammond was in a heated debate with the checker over the price of Wrigley's Spearmint gum.

"It was a moment he'd never forget," Nyquist said. "He milked that story for all it was worth, telling everyone he met and repeating it at all family gatherings. " Indeed the story told once again by a speaker at Mr. Dodgson's funeral. And then again another 10 minutes later.

Nyquist quipped, "We are fully satisfied with those 3 minutes."

The lawyer also answered queries regarding his current suit against Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Nyquist asserts both actors have been hording thousands of 15-minute segments of other people's fame and using them for their own celebrity status.

"It's unfair and un-American!" the lawyer said before posing for newspaper photographers.

The Dodgson case will go to court this November.

Hollywood, CA - Mark Kempinski, postal worker for over 35 years, had led the quiet life of solitude, whether it was raining, snowing, or under the gloom of night. That is, until this weekend, when his life came under the scrutiny of Hollywood's brightest searchlights.

Postal investigators, who visited Kempinski's apartment on an anonymous tip, turned up hundreds of bags of mail that had never been delivered.

The story might have ended there had the bags not contained more than 762 Hollywood movie plotlines and plot elements from scripts that were being sent via US Mail before they made it into hundreds of Hollywood pictures.

"This is an embarrassment of a most grievous nature," lamented Thomas Polanski (no relation), spokesperson for the Los Angeles U.S. Postal Service.

Polanski added, shaking his head, "I myself have been complaining to my wife about absurd storylines and poor plot twists in movies for years. The fact that it's the result of one of our own employee's pilfering is just astounding."

Missing plots and implausible storylines due to lost plot elements has been costing the American film industry millions of dollars each year in lost revenue, according to some experts. When you multiply that by Kempinski's 762 (and counting) plots, you have a figure that could be up into the billions.

It's been a wake-up call for the Industry (as the entertainment industry insists on calling itself) and has answered the burning question that's kept many Producers and Directors awake at night, "What happened to my film?"

That answer may be found in Mr. Kempinski's living room.

Among the piles and piles of paper revealed were believable storylines for Glitter (2001, Mariah Carey), Catwoman (2004, Halle Berry), Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot (1992, Sylvester Stallone, Estelle Getty), Georgia Rule (2007, Lindsey Lohan), Battlefield Earth (2000, John Travolta, Forest Whitaker), and every film made by "comedian" Pauly Shore.

So good were many of the original scripts that investigators were quite moved as they read their way through the piles of evidence.

"I walked out of Gigli (2003, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez) because of its inane plot," said a tearful Inspector 2nd Class Louis Mayer. "But after reading what really was supposed to happen to Larry and Ricki, I feel I have to go back and give it a second chance."

Inspector Patrick Davis pondered aloud, "If only the movie Cool as Ice (1991, Vanilla Ice, Deezer D) had been like this in the theaters, I wouldn't have dismissed Vanilla Ice quite so readily. In this script he really IS the next James Dean. Looks like I owe someone an apology. "

Many of the detectives compared the newly found storyline for Ishtar (1987, Dustin Hoffman, Warren Beatty) to the classic A Streetcar Named Desire, calling it a "masterwork" and "existential tour de force." Indeed, some officers walked next door to discuss the script afterward over espresso and French cigarettes.

Kempinski, who is being held without bail, will have a great deal of answering to do in the months and possibly years to come. The major Hollywood studios are already lining up legal teams now that they finally found the fall guy for their box office fiascoes.

At least two of those studios are also opting for his life story to make into a Summer 2009 release.

Plans are already being hatched to remake many of the original scripts, including Can't Stop the Music (1980, Village People) and It's Pat: The Movie (1994, Julia Sweeney).

Though the mail carrier did not seem to be targeting any specific studio or filmmaker, he appeared to lean heavily toward stealing plots from low-budget horror films, films with meteors, Ninja films, and any film made in Smell-O-Vision.

Mr. Kempinski could not be reached for comment, but his mother has been quick to say he is a very nice boy who wouldn't hurt a fly, much less a plotline.