"I Swear!"

Having kids around the workplace is fun. Except, of course, when they shred important documents, drain all the water out of the Arrowhead dispenser, or hack into the company database and e-mail all the customers that their credit histories have been compromised.

And while hosting children this summer in your office can be a joy, it can also be very difficult for staff members who were apparently raised on the high seas by pirates and unfamiliar with the many wonderful euphemisms available in the English language.

So, instead of locking these foulmouthed cretins in the supply closet when children visit your office, we've developed this primer intended to help out any person who may have issues speaking around children; chiefly those given to seeing the world through four-lettered glasses and offending everyone in a 50 foot radius.

And with family picnics right around the corner, this makes the ideal pass along to share with guests and relatives. Say those ones who tend to congregate and linger around beer-filled coolers.

So get out your erasers and make way for these terrific surrogate swear words!

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We've divided these substitutes into three different categories.

The first falls under banner of "Sound-Alikes".

Popular with the parents, these sound very similar to the offending word, thus eliminating the tedious process of learning a new and wholly different-sounding euphemism and still being able to enjoy the satisfaction of swearing.

Using these words is much like drinking non-alcoholic beer at a party.

(You may recognize some as those dubbed in by television networks when showing an adaptation of a Quentin Tarantino film.)

Exclamation points added for emphasis.

Son of a beach!
Shoot!
Darn!
Dang it!
Dang it all to heck!
Dagnabit!
Dad gummit!
Cheese and rice!
Jiminy Crickets!
Cheesy cripes!
Fudge!
Freaking!
Flipping!
Mother Hubbard!
Sugar!

For advanced cursers, there are the "Safe-Swears". Words you may not have used since you were young yourself.

Heck!
Baloney! (alt. Bulloney!)
Malarkey!
Hokum!
Hogwash!
Doggone it!
Balderdash!
Gadzooks!
Rats!
Bunk!
For crying out loud!
Nuts!
Jumpin' Jehosaphat!
Goodness gracious!
Good grief!
For Goodness' sake!
For Pete's sake!
For the love of Pete! (as a last resort)
Land sakes alive! (again, as a last resort)

For our final group, words which merely sound indecent by the inclusion of religious terminology (but nothing could be farther from the truth).

These are the "Minced Oaths".

Holy mackerel!
Holy smoke!
Holy cow!
(Basically anything with "holy" in it is up for grabs, i.e., Holy spumoni!)
Judas Priest!
Godfrey Daniel!
Christmas!
Heavens to Betsy!
Oh Heavens!
Heavens above!
Good Heavens!
For Heaven's sake!

Put them all together and what have you got?

"Holy Heckfire, Mathers! That flippin' report was due to the client by 4pm and you haven't even started it! Jiminy Crickets, man, get to it!!"

Yes, a child-safe environment.

Shucks, you may want to bring children into your office all year long!

Though we do believe there might be a law against that.