This is part of a series of advice columns we've collected from around the globe.
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Dear Satan,
Every time our neighborhood holds a friendly summertime get together, a certain family down the block never fails to show up with a cooler full of beer. My husband and I are trying to teach our children, ages 14 and 16, that one doesn't need to drink to have a good time. Do you think I should politely ask my neighbors to leave the brew behind or am I butting in where I don't belong?
Temperance
Dear Temperance,
The evils of alcohol are well documented and you are right to be concerned for your children's interests. Here's the quandary: if you become a teetotaler for their sakes, when the two eventually reach drinking age you will be splitting your weekends between the drunk tank and detox facility.
The wisest choice is to encourage your children to drink as much alcohol as they'd like, whenever they'd like, at this ripe young age. That way by the time they finally reach those peer pressure years they will be so (to borrow an expression from AA) "sick and tired of being sick and tired" they will be the models of sobriety.
Your neighborhood will cheer you!
Dear Satan,
My son, "Phillipe," is 14. We have always been able to talk about everything. Yesterday I was shocked because he'd shaved his legs! I tried to remain calm. He says that all his friends are doing it and that the girls really like it.
His father sat down with him and told him that men do not shave their legs. My son says it is the fashion and that hairy legs are not "in."
Phillipe is a wonderful young man. People always tell me how lucky we are to have such a terrific son. Am I overreacting?
Worried in Pittsburgh
Dear Worried,
You have a right to be worried. Leg shaving, most assuredly, leads to harsher and more destructive behaviors. If your son is this hellbent pleasing his teenage cronies and the opposite sex, chances are quite high he'll end up "chasing the dragon" on the streets of New York City and trying to survive the bitterly cold winters of the northeast by leaning over heat grates and begging for food. Phillipe is in trouble and you and your husband are the only ones who can help.
My advice to you is to send the lad to the strictest military academy you can find. There he'll get access to the discipline he so desperately needs. Be sure you tell him that it is for his own good.
He may not thank you now. And he may hate you forever. But what can you do?
Leg shaving. Holy smokes.
Dear Satan,
I have a problem. I have a Sabre 402 with a new extendable whisker pole for the 130% genoa.
The pole is a forespar unit with internal extension line. A single ring is mounted chest high on the mast with 4 tapped machine screws. For offshore work and perfect safety, what is the recommended rigging procedure? Extra sheet? Fore and after guys?
Confused
Dear Confused,
You do not have a problem, you have an issue.
And that issue, my friend, is that you do not fish enough. You must sacrifice everything: your work, your children, and most especially your relationship with your wife, to figure out what is going on with this pole.
Dear Satan,
My mother's 60th birthday party is coming up and I want to get her something really special for the occasion. I want to go all out on this one, but I'm afraid I'll spend a fortune and end up with something she doesn't like. What would be an appropriate gift?
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
Since it is your mother, you need think of a very personal gift.
Something that lets her know how sick and tired you are of her non-stop criticism. Something that subtly delivers the message that you blame her for your incredibly low self-esteem. Something that asks the question, "Why did you give up on me?" Something under $200.
I know that's a pretty tall order, but a nice bottle of Antinori Solaia '00 (bright aromas of crushed berry and raspberry, full bodied with lovely tannins) spiked with arsenic would fit the bill.
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Until next week,
A Votre Maladie!
Satan
Satan shares more than 100 of his favorite recipes in two booklets: "Satan's Favorite Recipes" and "Don't Call it Gluttony, Call it Eating Well". Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Satan -- Cookbook Set, P.O. Box 666, Galveston, TX 61054. (Postage is included in price.)
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