Announcing: The Greatest Yard Sale in the Long and Tenured History of Yard Sales
Is this your normal, weekend yard sale? Sir or madam, it most certainly is not. Did you even read the intro? This will be, without question, the best yard sale you've ever attended or heard tell of on a bleak Monday around the water cooler.
When is it? It's this Saturday and Sunday from 8am until our doors close (well, not technically our doors, but until I place a sturdy neighborhood kid to guard the stacked tables so I can shuffle everything back into my less-than-secure back yard).
Where is it? It's centrally located near YOU, my friend, where 3rd meets Melrose on a rather characterless lawn that my landlord has no intention of watering, much less mowing.
What will be available at prices so low that your head will try to spin off its axis? Oh so many, many things!
As an aging hipster moving into a new apartment, I have nearly a decade of accumulated garbage to foist upon you, the ready and buying public. Here's a little peek at some items so compelling that you'll wish the sale started today instead of Saturday. Not to worry, you'll have plenty of time to stop by your bank or savings & loan so you can withdraw enough cash to have on hand for this veritable Carnival of Cast-Offs.
VIALS OF MYSTERY. Two small glass vials with plastic screw caps. Were they once used in a nefarious scientific experiment? Could they have held a Potion of Invisibility? They're both exactly the right size to hold a fountain pen, much like the one that once leaked on an airplane and ruined a perfectly good shirt, the inside of a suit, and an entire day. They hold 30ml, which is almost exactly one shot. Probably a coincidence. 25 cents for both.
VIDEO CASSETTES. Before there were flimsy, easy-to-ruin DVDs, home entertainment was conveyed by these bulky, easy-to-ruin VHS tapes. A wide selection available: incomprehensible Japanese animation, popular movies of the 90's purchased under duress, and well-ignored fitness tapes. Buy a dozen and get a free soda! $1/each.
UNASSEMBLED ELECTRONIC KITS. What kind of idiot buys geegaw after geegaw from popular catalogs like Edmunds Scientific, yet can't muster the follow through to put such things together? Probably the same kind of guy who'd switch his major 8 times over a 5-year college stint. Build Your Own Crystal Radio, Robotic Hand, Ultrasound Receiver, they're all here, each taken out of the box only long enough to discover something really, really interesting on cable. $3/each.
AUDIO COMPACT DISCS. Personally collected by someone who gave no consideration to the opportunity of placing their money into a 401(k) or tax-free IRA, this vast selection of music including popular (Warrant), ironically purchased (Olivia Newton John), and obscure (Okinawan folk music) is sure to delight young and old alike. Due to bizarre personality defects on the part of the former owner, these do not come in their original packaging. $1/each.
FLINTSTONES NOVELTY GLASSES. Imagine the Flintstones were real. Imagine that they somehow managed to win the lottery. Imagine that, as a result, they replaced the bone-and-hide drinking glasses they normally use for fine crystal replicas of the bone-and-hide drinking glasses they normally use. Imagine no more and buy instead! Perfect for nerds, pointless nostalgia enthusiasts, and cavemen with exquisite taste. $1/pair.
"HIP" BLENDER. This perfectly functional blender is either an authentic antique or is trying very hard to convince us that it is. Real glass bowl, smooth space-age Bakelite frontispiece, and quad blades that come within a few yards of being sharp all included. Perfect for serving frou-frou tropical drinks to your insufferable hipster friends. $2.50.
PUNK ROCK SKATEBOARD. Whether you're a hardcore grinder, a person with an annoying little brother, or an aging punk rocker desperately trying to recapture your faded youth, this is what you've been looking for. This sturdy skateboard comes festooned with stickers championing no-longer-existent punk bands and capable of supporting even the heftiest of sullen teens. A mere $5.
UNFASHIONABLE CLOTHING. A vast selection available, featuring tattered and out-of-date dress shirts, decades-old 'ironic' t-shirts, and denim jeans that remove all doubt regarding how heavy I've become. 50 cents each.
GERMAN-LANGUAGE "ILLUMINATI" CARDS. If you are like most people, you have a dear friend from Switzerland, Austria, or Germany who greatly enjoys playing conspiracy-based collectible card games. So you know how hard they are to shop for! Well, worry no more: this is the ideal gift for the Nordic game nerd in your life. $2 for a full set.
FOOD PULVERIZER. Hailing from the fashionable Hamilton Beach area of southern Wackamolia, this motorized dingbat in delicate off-cream is designed to receive edible foodstuffs and reduce them to pulverized, blended, sliced, chopped and/or julienned states of nature. Perfectly functional, but aesthetically marred by the presence of a melted plastic corner, the tragic legacy of a failed relationship with an abusive toaster. $5.
LOVE METER. Hard to believe anyone could ever part with this exotic bit of hand-blown glass filled with vibrantly colored liquid that boils within a minute of handling. Perhaps it would make sense if you'd already broken one and discovered that it eats the finish off of and permanently discolors kitchen tile. Great gift for that person who hates getting their security deposit back! $4.
COMPLETE OUTDOOR WEATHER STATION. Ever wonder what the weather is like on your porch? You know, the place a mere sliding glass door's distance away from your breakfast table? Wonder no more! The maharishi of weather forecasting will let you know whether it's blazing hot, wet, muggy, or hailing bullets. Of course, you will have to step onto the porch to get a gander at the thermometer, barometer, rain gauge, and windsock, but it's a small price to pay to be "in the know"! Locked for reasons long forgotten, you'll need to purchase a bolt cutter at your local hardware store for immediate access to the instruments of prognostication. $7.
Come one, come all!
Buy enough items and I will most likely give you free food and a beer.
Tell your friends, relatives, and anyone else standing near the ATM where you are withdrawing your hard-earned cash.
Please no early birds or people who stand around asking endless questions while their husband blocks the busy street with their late model Cadillac.
I mean it.
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