First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who made it to our superb Staff Holiday party last night. All of you who did not have a chance to make it for whatever reason (and I was personally was unaware we had so many migraine sufferers in our office), you were sorely missed, and we look forward to you attending next year's Party of the Year.
I do have a few notes for everyone in the company this morning, which I'll outline below.
I'll keep this as brief as possible, for legal considerations more than anything, as I have a bit of time before my ship leaves for the Bahamas Monday.
Janice from Payroll will not be in today, as she is recovering from a bad bout with the "flu". She has already phoned in to personally apologize to me for grabbing the karaoke microphone and blurting out employees' gross wages until being tackled off the stage by our crack intern, Erick. Please let this episode pass into history quietly.
Sadly my Executive Assistant, Alex, has suddenly decided to pursue his career options elsewhere. I wanted you to know that in no way did this have anything to do with the ridiculous biting-his-lower-lip and throwing-his-hands-over-his-head-while-exposing-his-naked-belly style of "dancing" he displayed at our company function for any song from Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" to Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler". We wish Alex all the best in his future elsewhere.
Once again, as in the pre-party memo, I'd like to mention that the supply closet is not a place to find out more about your coworkers. This is not what is meant by "the season of sharing".
A number of complaints were lodged about the type of food served at the party. While I am the first to admit red spaghetti and green meatballs is not exactly ideal finger food for an office party, I believe our catering staff was just trying to capture the spirit of the season.
Any of you who demanded raises from me after one too many trips to the punch bowl the other night will be finding a surprise in this week's pay envelope. Please remember to leave tape dispensers, staplers, and other office supplies on company property before exiting the building.
Regarding the incident involving one of our board members being placed in the Paper Only recycling bin: it never happened. Whoever posted it on YouTube, please remove it immediately.
If you are the staff member who suggested hiring our entertainment, The Mysterious Marco, Hypnotist, Ventriloquist & Political Activist, please see me today.
Whoever was making pictures of their rear ends on the office copier (and we're pretty sure we can identify who you are), this is a valuable piece of company property and not a toy to be used at your disposal. The cost to replace the glass plate on the Canon PF6000 is approximately $475, not including labor. Note to the wise: We have been laughing at your backside for years now, we don't need a "take home" for our families and loved ones.
Once again, thank you all for coming, and for those of you who couldn't make it, I hope we will see you next year!
Please enjoy your Holidays and have a safe and a Happy New Year.
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