In compliance with FCC provisions we are providing this week's column space for use by an opposing viewpoint other than that of our regular columnist.
Hello.
This is a warning to all readers! If any of you have been reading this column with any regularity you may already be predisposed to worshiping Satan!
When you read this column backward you will discover the author's true relationship with the devil, suicide, murder, and the occult.
Our crack team of Decoders spent countless hours working to decrypt secret messages hidden within each of his columns. What we have found is nothing less than horrifying. Each one is filled with literally hundreds of references to murder, moon worship, paganism, and some despicable act called "eht", which appears up to 45 times in each column.
Findings by our crew have revealed the hidden messages, "I need a soda" and "would you like fries with that?" (in Vol. 2, Issues 32 and 67, respectively) which we firmly believe have spurred a junk food feeding frenzy among our teens. The obesity problem, which already affects many of our country's best and brightest young people, needs no help from the likes of this man.
It may also interest you to know that in a recent court case an upstanding family accused the author of hiding messages which commanded their son to "defrost the fridge, baby" (Vol.1, Issue 45: "Where's that Sock?"). The secret directive resulted in $148.25 in damage to frozen peas, pot pies, and those little tiny corn dogs. Though the columnist was acquitted due to a lack of evidence and the family forced to pay his downtown parking fees, it still stands to reason that the longer these messages are out there, the longer we'll have to worry about this issue.
You may already be familiar with our group. We broke the story that the author's friend Paul had been dead for over three years and that secret messages were hidden in his column (Vol. 2, Issue 43: "He's Got No Shoes and yet He's Crossing the Street"). Even though the author himself continues to deny such a claim (going so far as to appear on TV with Paul holding up a copy of that day's newspaper), what we see is the great lengths he will go to maintain his charade to both media and fans alike.
We have not been sleeping since that discovery!
Each of the columnist's backward masked columns have been translated by our team and have revealed messages sent in Spanish, Mandarin, and the African clicking language known as N|u, thus leading us to believe the problem is more widespread than we had originally thought. (Case in point, last week's advice to Spanish language backward readers to "no pague el precio del autobus" or "don't pay the bus fare".)
Most recently a European woman translated all of Vol. 1-2 into Portuguese, read the issues backwards, then translated them back into English and came up with this most offensive prose:
"My book flew out [the] window. Summer time is ice cream time. Where is my hairline? S[atan] is my quarterback. Oh, Satan of Constantinople[sic]. Karl Marx lives [in that] park."
Many of you have wondered "What's the big deal?", since the columnist, like many Heavy Metal rock bands, has already announced publicly that he has a longstanding interest in the Dark Arts (Vol. 1, Issue 12 & 16 respectively: "Best Wines for Your Black Mass" and "B_RNT OFFERINGS: All That's Missing is 'U'").
For one, you'll discover that even though he has repeatedly said in interviews that he "drinks blood" and "holds rituals at midnight", his backmasked text reveals that he "drinks blood while holding rituals at midnight", which may make you see him in a brand new (and shocking) light.
More importantly, anyone with half a brain will tell you that putting messages into music or a newspaper backwards, though unintelligible to the conscious mind, are easily descrambled by the subconscious mind, altering and shaping behavior of the listener or reader.
Which brings us to our two points:
One, stop reading these columns! Your very life is at risk!
Two, please help us in our support of the Backwards Masking School Learning Program to help our children better understand Geometry, History, and English.
Go to www.backmasklearning.com to learn more!
Thank you for your time.
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