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People are always asking me (enough people that I would actually comment on it), "How in the world did you ever become a Thousandaire?"

It's quite humorous, actually, because the steps are so easy and yet so elusive to most people.

Save as they try, many people can't manage to save $100 in their bank accounts, much less ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What would you do if you had a cool $1000 sitting pretty inside your bank's secure vault?

* Order that Big Grab-sized chips next time you're ordering a sandwich at the deli?
* Pick up that Creedence Clearwater Revival CD you've been dying to get your hands on?
* Smile the next time someone asks you if you're FINANCIALLY SECURE?

Let's face it, wealth has its privileges!

If you follow the simple advice outlined in my book and companion DVD "The Enlightened Thousandaire" today, then you could have ONE THOUSAND big ones earning 2% in your bank as soon as July 2007!

How? You'll have to just order and find out. But to whet your appetite, here are a FEW of my secrets to saving money:

* How to have Starbucks coffee every morning ON THE HOUSE! (hint: they only use their grounds once!)
* How to say NO to costly and unnecessary personal items such as deodorant and underwear.
* How cutting your own hair using scissors, bowl, and pocket mirror, can save you HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS a year.
* Day old bread is a bargain, but what about week old bread? Many times it's absolutely FREE!
* How to save big on lunches by growing nutritious vegetables right at your office desk!
* You say ratty old bed sheet, I say brand new tablecloth and matching napkins!

I'd better stop before I give away the whole farm!

After completing my "Enlightened Thousandaire" training, you'll be clued in on everything from foraging in the urban landscape and "retreading" sneakers to home hog butchering and pilfering electricity from neighbors' outdoor outlets.

If you're ready for an adventure, climb aboard!

Order "The Enlightened Thousandaire" before April 1st and receive a free coffee mug! (Company logos on coffee mug vary)

Imagine, no more lying awake all night wondering when you'll be able to finally afford a mattress. No more wasting your time with get-rich-quick schemes that promise "the system does 98% of the work" or "takes as little as one hour per day" (as previously authored by my ex-wife Julie Travney and myself).

This is an honest to goodness, down-to-earth guide on how to make money by not spending it from your bank account.

It does not involve multi-level marketing, selling lotions, vitamins, or going door-to-door asking for bus fare (as previously suggested by my ex-wife and myself). This is the only guaranteed* way to have ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS safe in the FDIC institution of YOUR choice!

Why are you waiting? Why are you sitting there?

Stop reading this and order by clicking HERE.

Thank you!


Click the link!

There's nothing more to say down here, I'm just filling out space for the Web site to make it look busier.

Go up and click the link!

Click it!

Stop reading!

I'm telling you there's just a Web page counter down here and a picture of a palm tree on a deserted beach (not really my cup of tea, but my ex-wife suggested it).

Click the link!

Click it!

Thank you.

And stop reading.

Nothing down here.

(*Savings not guaranteed by author, publisher, nor the author's ex-wife. Total cost of The Enlightened Thousandaire book, DVD, free coffee mug, and priority shipping and extra-special careful handling of merchandise $998.45. Thousandaire, LLC not related to Millionaire, LLC, nor liable for lawsuits currently pending against Millionaire, LLC or its subsidiaries. Content checked and approved by the California Department of Corrections.)

See?

To: The Entire Company
From: Your CEO

Having returned from what could be the most energizing seminar of my life, I am asking each one of you to sit down and take a moment to read this short memo on our new company vision.

I spent last week in Sonoma with executives from top Fortune 500 companies to attend Dr. Ben David's seminar based on his best-selling book, "Prodigal Won: Putting Family Back into America's Corporations."

As I sat listening to Dr. David, I realized that as CEO of Thatcher & Sons that of course our company should begin to reflect a family, and not a corporate, philosophy.  I mean a FAMILY name is our company name!

How many times have I said "hi" to Nancy at Reception (or whoever that is now)  and looked, I mean really looked, at the family name which graces our ornate lobby in travertine marble letters?

Probably not since I waltzed in here the day after the hostile takeover.

So I got to thinking about this Thatcher person and his sons, wherever they may be now, and how I can bring a little more family back to this company.

Now before you go bellyaching that I'm going to take away perks like company cars, paternity leave, and dental insurance again, I'm asking you to listen.

Why? Because, as CEO of this company, I am much like a father, the family leader. It's my vision that gives us all direction. It's my leadership that tells us why we're doing what we're doing. And it's me who says we're not stopping at a lot of crappy outlet malls on the way to grandma's house.

The first thing I want to introduce is our new Family Vacation Policy. Thatcher & Sons has always been generous with our two-week vacation policy. Now nearly everyone here takes his or her two-week vacation, like most Americans, during the month of August. So it probably won't be a big stretch for all of us to take our vacation days at the same time, in the same location.

Yes, I'm speaking of my private acreage in Missoula, Montana. As a new corporate family, we should spend more QUALITY time together, don't you think? And while vacationing on my property doesn't include access to my Jacuzzi or my 2,000 sq. ft. private bathroom, there is plenty of elbow room for every family in this company to stake their claim, put up the tent or RV, and have a rip roaring good time out on the range!

Can't you just smell the BBQ?

By the way, people, this is not optional. You will go on vacation with us or you will not go at all.

Secondly, from now on we will be eating lunch TOGETHER. Yes, no more, "wait until I finish this" or "I'll eat at my desk." When it's lunchtime I want you in the Dining Room, pronto!

If we're going to be a family, we have to start acting like one. Like my Dad used to say, "The family that drinks together..." Well, that's not quite the expression, but I think you know where I'm going with this.

Our architects are already working on plans to convert our entire office space into a great big House: Family Room, Living Room, Kitchen, etc. by the end of 2010. All departments will be moved to different parts of our House as each section is completed.

What's that mean to you?

Well, it means if you're in Sales, get ready to bring your laptop, put on your sweats, and hit the Barcalounger to get some serious work done in the Family Room!

And if you are in Accounting, you will probably want to get used to the smell of cat litter.

Starting next week, we will also be dividing up all employees into Age Categories according to how long you've "lived" here.

Here's a general example: If you have been here 5 to 7 years, you will be considered a Teen. As a Teen you will now be able to dress for work however you want. You may also listen to your iPod wherever the heck you want, meetings included. However, the older members of the family ("Young Adults," "Step Brothers/Sisters," and "Grandparents") will be able to yell at you at any time for being the sloppy, cranky, resentful, smart-mouthed, good-for-nothing freeloader that you are.

Make sense?

All other Age Categories will be posted in the Dining Room on Monday.

What a great reason to stick around!

(As I side note, when I get "Home" I expect to be listened to. I do not want bickering or infighting. If I wanted that, I would've stayed at home with my own family.)

Under the new restructuring, it should make perfect sense that dating any other family member is nothing less than revolting and will not be tolerated. Any of you sickos already having a relationship with a sibling or parent will be sent for counseling immediately.

Though the data isn't in quite yet, companies who've initiated this sort of change have shown a whopping profit margin growth of over 300%! (Though some naysayers have pointed out that staff resignations are simply lowering overhead costs.)

This is just the beginning people. Soon we'll be driving to work together in the company mini-vans, picnicking, debating over what to put on the hold music, asking people in the bathroom, "Are you done yet?", borrowing each other's clothes without asking, doing chores, and just so much more!

Sound exciting? I hope so!

And if it doesn't...

Tough toenails.

My family, my rules.

When you have your own family, you can do whatever the hell YOU want.

Now at your local toy store, the new action figure collection that's sweeping the country like a prairie wildfire...

Introducing the ECO-WARRIORS**!

Out to save the Virgin Territories from the notorious Land Baron and his malevolent Henchmen, the Eco-Warriors band together to stop his evil empire before it's too late.

Collect all five action new figures and help save the Earth!


LAND BARON

He's out to trash the Eco-Warriors' plans and lay waste to the Virgin Territories!

His master plan: pave over the pristine wilderness and fill it full of mini-malls jam-packed with coffee shops, mobile phone stores, nail salons, and shady dental practices. A ruthless egomaniac, he and his evil hooligans will stop at nothing in their bid for domination.

The Land Baron action figure comes complete with evil laugh, blueprints for Wal-Mart, and gas-guzzling Hummer.

(15 gallons of gas to get Hummer to the next mall sold separately.)


THE FREE RANGER   

The ultimate masked avenger, the Free Ranger rides in on his trusty steed Wilma emancipating chickens, cows, pigs, and occasional African pygmy goat from the Land Baron's Factory Farms.

One of six Texas Rangers ambushed and left for dead by malicious henchmen, Free Ranger survived only with the help of a kindly brood of hens who nursed him back to health in their stuffy coop.

Sworn to liberate every last animal in the Virgin Territories, the Free Ranger has dedicated his life not only to making the West a great place to roam, but also a terrific spot to get a nice vegan meatloaf sandwich.


THE SCAVENGER

Discarded by his parents due to his raccoon-like appearance and appetite, Scavenger keeps his vow to let no potentially recyclable item escape through his tiny, black claws.

Residents of Mini Mall City better look out before they toss their bottle or can into the garbage, Scavenger may be right inside and ready to launch it right back in their face!

Arriving on the scene in his biodiesel-powered shopping cart, even the strongest of aluminum cans is no match for his incredible strength. Able to penetrate the darkest night with his night-vision and super hearing, no foe can hide from him!

The Scavenger comes complete with rocket bottle launcher, headphones, and extra wheel for shopping cart.


THE COMPOSTER

Nary a fallen leaf or twig goes to waste when The Composter shows up.

Ready to bring a swift end to the tossing of yard trimmings into trash bins by Baron's no-good Henchmen, he uses his karate chop action and nunchaku/bypass loppers to send these evildoers right back where they came from!

Armed with the benefits of anaerobic decomposition and a poor sense of smell, he's ready to vanquish yard litter and closed minds!


HYBRID VEHICLE MAN

Outfitted with one gallon of gas and heated leather seats, he's ready hop into his hybrid, drive sixty miles, and duke it out with Land Baron!

Pull his string and he'll tell you (for hours on end) about carbon emissions, global warming, and the demise of the electric vehicle.

Action figure includes sidearm and Road Atlas. Hybrid Vehicle comes with intermittent windshield wiper/rocket launcher, hot cup/grenade holder, low-rolling resistance tires, and low, low 1.5% APR financing.

"Take that, gas guzzler!"


TREE SITTER

Elementary school teacher by day and superhero after hours, mild-mannered Nicole Porter slips into her woolen suit by the light of the moon and magically transforms herself into the dazzling Tree Sitter!

Taking her rightful place among the tallest redwoods, she vigilantly sits and watches out for the Evil Land Baron.

And sits.

And sits.

Comes complete with tree platform, comfortable chair, and a really, really long novel.


PROFESSOR CHIMPSKY

Nature or Nurture? Why Nature of course!

Tucked away in his top-secret Eco-Lab (sold separately) Professor Chimpsky spends his days and nights creating formulas from his rare collection of rainforest plants to help the Eco-Warriors win the battle for the Virgin Territories!

The Professor comes fully equipped with test tube, Petri dish, and soon-to-be-FDA-approved drugs.

Watson and Crick have nothing on him!


The ECO-WARRIORS...

Collect 'em all!!!


**Each authentic Eco-Warrior action figure created individually from injected plastic resin.

*Made in China.

Corporal Rules by Roderick J. Clamors

Two identical men, each handsome and unusually adept at his chosen work, working in what came to be called the Cinema Age. Why had both chosen the same city to practice occupations at such opposite ends of the moral spectrum?

The answer is a mystery this page-turning book will unravel.

Could they be brothers, mysteriously separated at birth and fated to meet as Cop and Thief, dead by each other's hands and never finding out their true identities?

Um.

Well, yes, they actually are estranged identical brothers, but you don't find that out until page 324.

But that shouldn't stop you from buying this book anyway, because it's really, really good. Really.

Six chapters into it you'll learn exactly why their mother had abandoned them and moved from the Bronx to Los Angeles (she was a high-priced call girl, slated to marry Bobby Vixon, Hollywood star, and had to put both children up for adoption in different cities before she met him at The Brown Derby).

Quite a twist, huh?

And when you find out Bobby Vixon is actually a mob boss setting up both brothers the whole time, you're just going to lose it!

Even if you know the ending and these key plot points, there's no way I could possibly cover all the great dialogue in this excellent tome.

For example when Vixon tells a nosy reporter, "Tell St. Peter that Bobby Vixon sent you!" then shoots him right on the red carpet!

That is seriously the best line in the book, don't you think?

Dang, I just spilled Dijon Mustard on here. I hope my boss doesn't see that.

And some is on my tie, too. I will never get that out.

Hey, you know what? If you like this book, you'll really LOVE the book I'm currently working on, called "The Joke Killer"! (Well, it may not be called that by the time the Publishers are done with it, but while I'm crafting it on my trusty Royal Typewriter, it sure as heck is.)

Set in the South Side of Chicago in 2030 AD, a scientist creates a sinister psychopath out of genetic material from Jack the Ripper and Woody Allen.

Every night the deranged lunatic is compelled to scour the city to find victims. Unfortunately he winds up feeling so guilty that he ends up taking them out for Chinese food and a good movie back at his apartment.

If you're at all interested, feel free to e-mail me at greatpen@imawriter.com, and I'll send you a preliminary copy.

By the way, if you're going to give me a bunch of notes like, "Making the protagonist's uncle the police detective who captures him is a little far-fetched" like my friend Todd just did, don't bother. I've got enough critics already.

But if you're a publisher, or know someone in the publishing industry who can actually help me (as opposed to anyone here, who couldn't tell Tolstoy from a hole in the ground), please let me know!

It's really a heck of a lot better than this book you have in your hands, which has had something like five Editors working around the clock to make sure this baby made bookshelves before Spring Break.

Speaking of which...

The author, Roderick J. Clamors, lives in Seattle with his wife, two daughters, and a Boston terrier.

He's going to make a killing if this thing hits the NY Times Bestseller list, like his last book.

But don't count on it.

This one's kind of a washout.

Remember, "The Joke Killer"!

Hi, all!

The Thatchford holiday greeting comes a little tardy this year, but we've been so busy that we just didn't have time to jot down all we did in 2009.

Happy 2010, everyone!

Wally and I continue to relish our retirement. We're so active now that we have no idea how we ever found the time to work before! (Though, if the truth be known, Wally wasn't doing so much at his job toward the end.)

Personally, I'm volunteering a few times a week at our local public library and am getting down what the staff calls my "whisper voice." Even though no more than a handful of patrons have ever been disturbed enough to actually leave the premises, it seems the staff aren't particularly fond of either humming or good old fashioned hollerin'. I'm sure any of you with children know that nothing quite gets someone's attention so well as sneaking up behind them and letting out a nice earsplitting, "QUIET!!!" But I guess if the library wants to encourage rude, cell-phone using patrons, it's their funeral.

On the hubby front, Wally's golf game is coming along nicely. In fact, the man seems completely obsessed! My heart goes out to all you other "golf widows." Ever since he started his pricey hobby, he's out practicing a few times a week until 2 or 3 in the morning! It wouldn't bother me so much if we weren't also taking such a hit to our cash accounts. In case some of you out there are Golf Gals and wondering about yours truly, I'll let you know that I have no interest in learning to play a game that takes quite so much time, training, and money!

We had a bit of an adventure in our home this fall. While cleaning out the attic in November, Wally and I thought we'd located Osama bin Laden hiding behind our old cedar trunk. Unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps) it was only an old paint-by-numbers piece Wally had done of the old devil back in the 80's for a community college painting class. If anyone wants it, let us know, as we have no idea what to do with it or the ones of Stalin, Pol Pot, and Pete Rose.

Our kids are all doing wonderfully and are leading some quite busy lives of their own now!

Chester is still awaiting trial in that whole Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities debacle. Really, I know many people are making a big deal of this "scandal" (THEY say it's "the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world"), but can't we really let bygones be bygones and get back to a normal life?

On a related note, Madoff Investment Securities had always been the sponsor for Chester's sons' soccer team, "The Three Card Montes" (undefeated in 2008!) and unfortunately the team had to go without jerseys this last season. As you can imagine, this became problematic once those winter winds started to blow in Michigan! With any luck, Murray's Bail Bonds in Old Town may put up the money in time for the spring season. Keep your fingers crossed!

The twins, Kerri and Shari, and their seven beautiful adopted Guinea-Bissau children, were once again the stars at the town's annual holiday pageant. Though I find it unfortunate that our town's mayor feels the need to be so "PC" and incorporate all the holidays into one pageant, the show turned out quite well. Written by the mayor's newest wife, the play opens in Bethlehem during Ramadan just as the local Synagogue is running out of oil for their sacred lamp. Three Druids drive in from the East in their biodiesel car, bearing Potato Latkes, a Crescent Roll, and a dwarf pine tree. On their way, they manage to free Santa (whose sleigh has gotten stuck in a sand dune), convince a farmer to let his chickens go free range, and help an African king gather the first fruits of his harvest. The kids were superb as tiny elfin rabbis, and the twins really shone as evolutionists Charles Darwin and Thomas Huxley. Broadway, look out!

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not so with our son Lester. We haven't heard from him all year, and boy are we glad!

Sadly, this year we lost Gus, our 1994 Chrysler LeBaron. Wally keeps insisting he left it on Parking Level 4 at the Arcadia Freedom Mall, but there has been no sign of it on that or any of the 18 levels of parking beneath America's 8th largest mall. Security has been on Orange Alert since July, but I'm not even sure he parked it in the East Quadrant structures. We have taken to driving his golf cart around town, and I'll let you know it's somewhat of a relief to know Wally's maximum speed is now 13 mph. Pedestrians rejoice! (Wally does keep talking about buying a Porsche Boxter with rear decklid shocks and a Maxfol exhaust system, but honestly, I don't even bother looking up from my gardening when he gets into that state.)

We also said goodbye to "Cheeky" this year. He was the loveable squirrel who regularly raided our bird feeder, that many of you may remember from past holiday newsletters. Unbeknownst to yours truly, our intrepid raider had developed a severe peanut allergy and passed away shortly after packing his cheeks full of some boiled Georgia "goobers" that I'd picked up especially for him on our last trip Down South. Wally is partly to blame, as he refused to use his CPR training on the distressed rodent and continued to watch yet another Wheel of Fortune rerun instead of helping out. Just a word of warning to all you animal lovers and a call for everyone to get out this year and learn CPR!

2009 did not hold the 35th anniversary vacation to Paris that I had mentioned in last year's missive, due to the rather fragile economy, but we did manage to make it out to see Balancing Rock at Gorman State Park. By the way, if any of you were planning to go see it this year, we might as well warn you that it was dynamited off its perch by some local pranksters, and it will be a full year until it is cemented back into place. You can see still the rock, though it's unfortunately lodged in the hood of a 1994 Chrysler LeBaron near the visitors' center.

I am still waiting to hear from some of you in regards to my new fruitcake recipe. I'm guessing that by now you've eaten them, and I'm anxious to hear how you like the substitution of normal raisins with golden raisins. A bold move, I know, but I'm dying to know how it turned out!

Well that's about all for the Thatchford house.

Wally and I hope that 2010 finds you healthy, wealthy, and wise with lots of peace and love in your home.

Well, actually I'm not sure what the heck Wally thinks because he won't turn that blasted TV off. But I'm sure if he could ever tear himself away from his best friends Vanna White and Pat Sajak, he would send his regards.

Let me know about that fruitcake!

Dolly and Wally Thatchford

Yes, we goofed.

One rabid reader (sorry, "avid" reader) from our office was quick to point out that a few weeks ago we misspelled Mariah Carey's name "Maria Carey."

Maria Carey was our previous Network Administrator who sang loudly while fixing our server. So you could guess how we'd get confused.

Our apologies.

Since we so are nearing the end of the year, we'd like to make some corrections to some of 2009's gaffes in our humble publication.

Back in June, our Food Section columnist asked readers to add one-eighth a gallon of lemon juice in Mom's Scrumptious Apple Pie recipe, which was a slight inaccuracy. The recipe should correctly read, "Add one-eighth a teaspoon of lemon juice." Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, Mom didn't even catch it, and she's been making the darn thing for something like 30 years.

Alaska is a part of the United States and not Russia. News to us.

The expression is apparently, "Tied to his mother's apron strings" and not, "Strung up like a Momma's boy," an expression which was used when referring to Vinny from MTV's series "Jersey Shore."

We express regret for recommending that readers yell "fire" in a crowded movie theater last February.

Our auto reviewer who took the V6 Gyoza Landlubber for a test drive and declared it "a car only the Marquis de Sade would love," wishes to recant his opinion. This is mostly due to his being taken to very expensive dinners around town by the car's manufacturer.

We have since found out there is a difference between Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, though none of us in the office can quite remember what it is.

In our Music This Week column, Jimmy Haverlock's January 5th review of "Reds, White Crosses, and Blues " was actually an analysis of illicit pharmacological drugs and not a musical review of a CD. This publication in no way condones drug use of any kind. We do, however, wish to stand behind any Blues album that "makes you wish you were dead because your woman left you for another man," as stated in Jimmy's review. We wish the best of luck to Jimmy on his prompt recovery.

The animals in a previous column WERE actually harmed in the production of the piece, even though we ran a disclaimer stating the opposite. The fine people at PETA wanted us to pass that along.
 
Kudos to the keen-eyed reader who pointed out that the month of May comes before June. A T-shirt is on the way!

We'd also like to point out that this publication is produced in a facility that manufactures peanuts. It also contains Phenylalanine. There you have it.

When we wished everyone "Happy Holidays" last year, we forgot to mention that Bill Sespan of Provo, UT, gets no such greeting from us.

A clerical error added a zero to the subscription price of this publication. Instead of $0.000, it should read $0.00. Please do not let anyone sell you this publication or try to barter a copy for a cigarette. We, once again, do not condone sleazy sales tactics, cigarettes, or barter.

It turns out that sticking an electric extension cord in your gas tank will not make it a hybrid. Please accept our apologies. All of our lawyers are on a very, very long vacation.

We do appreciate that you read our publication in earnest. So we wanted to say that we're indeed sorry if you've been making a fool of yourself by repeating the facts from our article which indicated Mikey (from those "Mikey likes it!" TV commercials) had been killed in Vietnam while eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke at the same time. Our crack writing team has confirmed that Mikey is indeed alive and currently part of a legal team representing one of Tiger Wood's many mistresses.

Anyone who called the number we printed for the Suicide Hotline and instead got charged $1.99 a minute to talk to a Randy Rita, has been had by one of our Editors. He's at ext. 106.

We had been told that oil and water do mix. If you knew this was not true and yet still tried to make the Delicious Champagne Vinaigrette we published in October, we don't really count that as our fault.

That part on the neck is called the "nape" and not "that ugly bumpy thing."

"I spit on your grave" is not an appropriate toast, it turns out. Our Art Director has informed us that the correct toast is, "Here's mud in your eye."

Evidently the pig should be dead before skewering and roasting over a pit of coals. The Test Kitchen sends their condolences to the entire Kent family.

From our Baking Issue last spring, the recipe for Super Delicious Lactose Free Brownies was printed incorrectly. The fifth ingredient should be Lactaid, a non-dairy milk product, and not Ex-Lax, a chocolate flavored laxative. Once again, our condolences to the entire Kent family.

The first U.S. president's name was George Washington, not "Boy George Washington," which was a regrettable misprint.

Here's that missing letter from the February 8th issue: Q


Thanks again for reading. Here's to an error fee 2010!

 

Peoria, Ill. (AP) - Thousands are rushing (albeit begrudgingly) to the opening week of the fourth annual World's Unfair being held in Peoria, Illinois.

Creators of the event tout while the World's Fair and WorldExpo showcase innovations and celebrations of culture, the World's Unfair bemoans the general humdrumness of everyday life and the fact that universe is slowly falling apart.

"We think this is exactly why OUR fair will go on indefinitely," says Unfair director Stuart Connors. "Frankly, we're sick of hearing that everything is looking up, when w e know for a fact just the opposite is happening."

He added, "Plus all those perky people are so absurdly irritating."

The event is being held for the first time at the fairgrounds surrounding the Peoria Dome, the nation's largest dome made completely of Popsicle sticks. This year's featured attractions include Journey To (Your Really Pathetic) Tomorrow, The Low Energy Pavilion, an Allergy Sufferer's Garden, an IMAX documentary on the history of taxation, a "CareerCoaster" featuring a 20-story drop simulating the heights of success leading to the doldrums of middle management, and even a Lactose-Intolerant Food Court where people from all around the world with sensitive digestive systems can gather together and safely complain over a soy latte and dairy-free ice cream.

Still hoping to be added next week are the exhibits "New Inventions Changing Your Future (Yeah, Right)" and the Pavilion of Unrealistic Fears.

The architectural centerpiece for the fair is fountain featuring a 300-foot half empty glass of water.

On hand for Unfair is the event's sluggish mascot, Torpor. A costumed three-toed sloth, the furry character spends his days alternately shaking his head in despair and napping in a hammock near the shabbily constructed Coliseum of Compromise.

Scheduled acts include international demotivational speaker Les S. Less, Esperanto enthusiast Ken Gordon, and an assortment of child actors, most notably Jimmy Osmond.

The very fact that over four hundred people showed up on opening day was a surprise even to the event's director.

"I was just hoping that at least my family would show up," Connors said.

Ironically, of those hundreds, none of them were the executive's family members.

"That is just so typical of them," added Connors while downing a slice of cheeseless pizza and a chocolate SilkShake. "They never do what I want to do."

Programs and shows will continue through the month or until interest wanes on the part of promoters and sponsors.

Hi.

Perhaps you're wondering why I've left this note on your car. A good question, to be sure, because who would do such a thing unless they had accidentally hit your vehicle and wanted to leave contact information?

The answer is simply this: I wanted to let you know that there is someone who is very grateful for what you've done and feels compelled to let you know.

I am that someone.

I wanted to thank you, via this brief handwritten note, for taking the time out of your hectic schedule to let me hear the awesome sound of your car's formidable engine revving again and again outside my window late last night.

I was having trouble sleeping anyway, awake as I was with worry about the world and our future as human race (and, quite possibly, by the sounds of a thumping bass and party noises coming from your apartment).

It turns out, almost ironically, that I had just been thinking, "What exactly does freedom sound like?"

How would I know that in a mere few seconds my query would be answered?

At first I pulled the covers over my head and plugged my ears when I heard the engine roar. Why? Perhaps that's how someone who owns a tinny 4-cylinder Japanese import reacts when they hear a real 8-cylinder car (with apparently no muffler) come to life.

I'm so glad you didn't stop at a couple measly revs, but continued on for a full ten minutes, because I might have missed your message entirely. How else would I know the sound of liberation with every pressing of the gas pedal?

It was not hard for me to imagine Abraham Lincoln and George Washington standing beside (and quite possibly holding upright) your guests. Young men so full of awe and Lite Beer, thrusting their fists in the air, and alive with the delight that only a 4 mile-per-gallon vehicle can provide.

Knowing that even after you consumed all that alcohol, you still decided to take a few spins around the block, truly helped me understand the life of a rebel. The fact that you could find, light, and smoke a filter-free cigarette while making a U-turn, lets me know how much time I waste with tedious and frivolous everyday tasks like paying taxes and heeding the "12 Items or Fewer" sign in the grocery store.

Point noted, my friend. Point noted well!

How could any agency, be they the police or the Mothers Against Drunk Driving bring you down when you deliver such a sweet message of freedom everywhere your vehicle weaves?

And so I take a moment to thank you now, for who knows where you and your 1960 Chevy Impala 348 might go next?

Wherever the bell of liberty needs to be rung, is my guess.

To every corner of America where 8 cylinders can deliver a message of independence more eloquently than any man or woman speaking in complex and often confusing sentences.

So, here's to you, my friend, from the common man who heard your message loud and clear: "Break your chains!"

I wish you all the best,

Your Friend and Neighbor


Post Script: If you are looking for the hubcaps, hood, grille, battery, door handles, Chevy emblems, or rear-view mirrors that have been removed from your car, I know you won't mind that I've sent them all to other people who I'm sure will truly benefit from your outstanding message of liberation.

Thank YOU!

New for our customers: the Aquent Creative Fun Book!

Each 15-page book is illustrated in sparse black and white and comes with a small box of crayons. Just the perfect thing when your client is running late and you're stuck in their lobby with nothing to keep you company but a 1999 Fortune Magazine ("The Net is Now").

Every one of the 15 pages has at least one fun activity to keep you occupied while you wait (more if you decide to use the crayons to make the characters do the things we couldn't get through Legal).

Here's just a small sample of what the Aquent Creative Fun Book has to offer:

LABYRINTH: Arty the Art Director has lost his Wacom tablet. Can you help him find it through this MAZE OF CUBICLES?

MATCH UP THE FONTS! Avant Garde or Univers 47 Condensed Light? Only you know for sure!

QUICK SKETCH: Use a crayon to draw clothing and hair on Marc to cover up his tattoos, tri-colored mohawk, and piercings so he can go to the big client pitch!

2 FULL PAGES OF JOKES! Q: How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Does it have to be a light bulb?!

Q: How many Copywriters does it take to change a light bulb? A: Why would we want to change it? It's perfect just the way it is.

CIRCLE THE RANCID FOOD ITEMS to be tossed from the Art Department fridge!

SEEK & FIND: Yeeeowch! Peter the Production Artist has cut himself AGAIN with the X-Acto knife. Can you help the team remember where they stashed the first aid kit?

FIND THE MISTAKES in this Activity Booklet (then call me at ext. 106).

WORD SEARCH: Find the advertising words that don't belong. (Hint: "losttheaccount", "likethatbutdifferent", "reorganization".)

FILL IN THE BLANK: Explain to the client why the project went over budget in 25 words or less.

SOLVE THE PUZZLE: Who moved the Creative Director's cheese? Play detective in this Creative Department mini-mystery!

COLOR in President Obama's dog! (Okay, this was leftover from our other activity book)

Wow!

And remember to have a good time. Hey, at least you're not at work!

These booklets are in limited supply, so please contact us today if you're interested in making Advertising FUN again!

Use code 45JLF000 when speaking to the operator.