Tim Donnelly: May 2009 Archives

I love clever catalogs. No, really, I do.

I imagine coming from the writing side of the house, instead of the graphics side, has a lot to do with it. Though I love a beautiful layout, I really appreciate any company that takes the time to put a spin on product description and, hopefully, crack the reader up.

A lot of times when I'm stuck for inspiration, I'll head over to American Science & Surplus for  hilarious descriptions for often useless products. Consider this:

HIKER'S HELPER
You can always find your way out of the woods or signal for help with this whistle/compass/red LED/ mirror, magnifier/ thermometer combo on a 19" neck strap... (The thermometer is for telling people how cold it was while you were lost in the woods.)

My current fave is from the folks over at Uncommon Goods, who have a section in their marketing emails called Uncommon Knowledge. It's just a little bit in the corner which features a product tied to a lingering question such as, "What is the origin of 'fall off the wagon'"?

(Which they explain this way: Before you can "fall off the wagon" you have to actually be on the wagon. The original version of this expression was "on the water wagon" or "on the water cart." During the late 19th century, horse-drawn water carts wet down dusty roads in the summer. In the 1890s, during the temperance movement, men who vowed to stop drinking would say that they would rather climb aboard the dusty water cart for a drink than go back to the bottle. When people said they were "on the water cart" it meant they had given up drinking. The phrase "fall off the wagon" entered the language shortly thereafter.)

Archie McPhee may have wackier merchandise, but these guys definitely give you something to talk about over at the water cooler.

(That is, if people are still meeting at the water cooler in your office.)

Photo by Br0m

In a bold move by the Blues Artists of America (BAA), legendary Blues artist John "Hangdog" Jones has been banned from performing in nightclubs, arenas, and amphitheaters in the US.

"He's just too danged cheery," complained one audience member after hearing Jones' set at Chicago's celebrated Blues club, the Checkerboard Lounge. "I was enjoying myself right up until he started playing his new songs like 'Nothing Blue about a Benz'. I came here expecting to wallow in my self-loathing and misery, but instead I'm daydreaming about the new Mercedes S-Class."

Hangdog, renowned for his songs of personal tragedy and pain, released an album earlier this year of surprisingly upbeat, happy tunes that has shocked aficionados of this primarily melancholy music around the world.

"I was just so sick of bringing everyone down," Jones confessed in a recent interview with Blue Revue Magazine. "Do you know what it's like to make an audience sad and lonely night after night? Man, I couldn't take it anymore."

When questioned further, however, Jones admitted that he had gone on antidepressants in 2008, after he'd complained to his physician that he "wasn't feeling so hot."

With brand new songs like: "Gonna Be Much Better Once the Cable Comes Back On", "No Bandwidth for the Blues", and "Now That's a Cute Puppy," many of his diehard fans are dropping like flies on the proverbial banks of the mighty Mississip'.

The edict brought down by the Blues Artists of America also prohibits Jones from recording and distributing of any of his newly altered Blues classics, like "Can't Kick the Habit (So I'm Goin' to another AA Meeting)" and "Ain't Nobody's Business (But My Therapist's)".

Jimmy Taggert, current president of the BAA fumed, "These doctors can't just hand out antidepressants like candy. This trend puts the entire Blues industry at risk. And it's not just the Blues artists; think of the harm doctors could do to cranky radio DJs, angry columnists, and disgruntled artists from all media. I think it's time America starts paying attention to this issue. Hangdog could be the tip of the iceberg."

Indeed, if Taggert is right, it's only a matter of time before audiences start watching Michael Moore films about how well "the system" works and Howard Stern touting the wonders of abstinence.

"I just don't understand it," Jones said while quietly sipping his Perrier between sets at a recent gig in Amsterdam, "I'm just feeling good, you know? Seems like these guys just want to punish me. Brother, feeling good ain't no crime." Putting down the green bottle and glimpsing into his dwindling audience, he observed, "But maybe this whole antidepressant thing wasn't such a hot idea."

Looking up he added, "You know, I actually thought the doctor was giving me something to get rid of all this gas."

No, this is not a miniature. It's the Met, taken through some serious Tilt-Shift Photography Faking to make it look much, much smaller than it actually is.

If you're looking at shrinking the world around you without angering the Justice League of America or buying special lenses, pop over the Creative Pro site for this article on achieving the effect through Alien Skin Software's Photoshop plug-in, Bokeh.

If you'd just like to see more examples (and roll over to see a before and after of the pictures), pop over here.

(by guest blogger, Greg Carter from the Aquent's Orange County office)

I started blogging because one of my friends suggested that it would be a useful tool to keep my writing skills in shape. I hemmed and hawed, but finally gave in, and after re-reading many of my earlier posts, I believe (hope? pray?) that I'm a much better writer than way back when. But what started out as a way to hone my skills has given me the opportunity to chronicle bits and pieces of my life, to share my views on books and movies, to post a recipe or two, and to even post a few samples of fiction.

That works for me. I like talking about different things when the mood strikes me. And being able to read the blogs of others, to catch a glimpse into their lives (and even to meet a few face to face) not just in my neighborhood, but in New York, Denver, Portland, Atlanta, Montréal, and England, to name a few, has been quite a happy bonus. I've never expected my blog to be more than a journal of my life. But, as author Paul Gillin discusses in his book The New Influencers, many companies are slowly beginning to see the far-reaching impact that blogging has had on the way corporations communicate with the public.

With the growing shift to electronic media, marketers need to stay on top of new venues of communication, and blogs present the best opportunity. Take a look at almost any blog, and what you'll find is a mini-community, with blogrolls containing links to myriad other blogs who communicate back and forth constantly. Any kind of news -- good or bad -- gets passed on, linked to, talked about much faster than any magazine or newspaper could have imagined.

Take, for example, AOL. Back in 2006, Vincent Ferrari had heard the rumors about the high-pressure tactics used by AOL when someone tried to cancel an account, so he decided to record his own attempt then post the recorded file on his blog. He then emailed a consumer activist site, The Consumerist. The site, in turn, published a link to his post, which soon swarmed across the blogging world and eventually into mainstream media. That small post from a single blog generated so much negative publicity that it helped to influence a change in AOL's policies.1

And that's just from personal blogging. Quite a few other blogs deal with a specific topic and have reader bases focused solely on such things as graphic design, Microsoft, Netflix, plant care, and so on. A smart marketer will find a way to communicate with such groups because those bloggers are passionate about that particular topic, and their readers are more likely to listen to their recommendations.

Another blogging form discussed is the corporate blog, one written and managed by a company. In one of the many Influencer Profiles peppered between chapters, Gillin describes how Microsoft used the corporate blog as a means to allow the public a glimpse into life at the personal computer giant. They seemed to realize that if they weren't out there communicating about the company, then someone else was -- and not always in a positive light. By allowing Microsoft employees to discuss their jobs or whatever moved them in such an open and public forum and by using the blogs as a way to answer questions and criticisms, Microsoft was able to slowly reverse the negative view of the company.2

So thanks to the Internet, the world really has become a much smaller place. More companies and marketers need to change with the times, and The New Influencers is the perfect guide for that, explaining how blogging (and podcasting) works,  how they can be used to generate buzz about a product or to change/enhance a company's public image, and how to get along in this new age of communication.

1. Gillin, Paul. The New Influencers: A Marketer's Guide to the New Social Media, 2nd printing. Sanger, California: Quill Driver Books, 2007. pps 1-3.
2. ibid., pps 105-112


(Yes, I did read the book myself.)


Image composite by Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Hi there!!

I'm the pamphlet that came with your brand new printer cartridge.

Pleased to make your acquaintance!

Take a look at all FOUR of my colorful pages, and you'll see the plethora of marvelous products also offered by the company who manufactured both your printer and this remarkably expensive cartridge.

Aren't those pictures of kids diving into the pool just great? And that one of the squirrel?  What a hoot!

Just the sort of stuff you'd want to print out with your new printer cartridge.

Did we show you how you could order printer papers and other specialty inks, not to mention photo frames, albums, and scrapbooks from our company?

You sure can! It's all right there on page 3.

I bet you didn't know you could download templates for printing up recipes, family trees, calendars, and more right at our site. Page 2, my friend.

Aha! I can see you're wondering where the instructions are to insert the cartridge into your printer.

Wow, you're smart, looking here first.

Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but they aren't in this beautifully printed, 4-color pamphlet.

But something you will find that's super helpful is a toll-free number to get TotalKare Support for your printer.

Isn't that cool?

With TotalKare you'll get personal 1-on-1 service any time you need it by the pros who really understand your printer (and your printer cartridges). Heck, they'll even stay on the line with you as long as it takes to solve your problem.

All for only for a monthly subscription fee of only $4.95 a month!

You can close your mouth now.

I mean, that's what you pay for one cup of "java" at one of those high-falutin' coffee places.

1-on-1 service!

Practically unheard of in this day and age of ATMs, self-checkout groceries, and the like.

It's starting to seem cheap now, huh?

But if you don't want to pony up the dough for this incredibly individual service, you can always feel free to install the cartridge yourself.

It's written in black ink on the side of the black cartridge. You may need a magnifying glass to make out the minuscule inscriptions.

I hope you're an expert on international symbols, because we tend to use a lot of them. Like triangles with those wavy lines around them and circles with two-digit numbers on either side.

How's your understanding of metric system, by the way?

I'd also like to take a moment to warn you that ink may be harmful if swallowed and to seek immediate medical attention if ingested.

While I'm on it, I might as well mention that any damage done to the printer or printer cartridge due to improper installation is not our responsibility. (Unless, of course, you opt for our very personalized service.)

Safety data sheets are available upon request at our Web site! www.nuprinterz.com/safety.

Installation data sheets, sadly, are not.

Don't try looking on the back of the box, either.

Hey, it's not just us being stingy with the instructions. Did you get any the last time you bought a kitchen gadget or tool for your workshop?

Heck no.

Those people fully expected you to know how to use the tools they sold you, even if you didn't.

Do you know how much damage you could inflict with an oxy-acetylene torch? Or a Ginsu knife for that matter?  These companies don't even offer personalized service. If you blow yourself up in the garage, that's your problem.

We, on the other hand, have figured out there's a heck of a good chance you could get your tie or blouse caught in the printer while trying to install it.

If you stop to think about it, the government should pay us for protecting you!

But they aren't.

Still, $4.95 a month, that's nothing for the safety of you and your loved ones.

It's money well spent.

Besides, how would we be able to afford to produce this beautiful, glossy 4-color publication without people like you?

So, thanks in advance for your support!

Anyone who ever drove a Dodge "K" car knows the value of a great car name. The K car was so devoid of personality that only one letter of the alphabet was bestowed upon it. And not a particularly becoming letter, for that matter.

Families around America could be heard saying, "Who put a ding in the K?", "Who has the keys to the K?", and "Wow, that K has an awesome AM radio!"

There's just so much inherent cachet when you step into a car named "Mustang". And so little when you hop into one named after a small East European country off the Adriatic Sea.

Go go, Yugo.

But with so many car manufacturers vying for a finite number of names (okay, that number has gone down significantly in the last year), but still, it's only a matter of time before they are left empty-handed.

Near depletion of the English language by car name foragers has left auto manufacturers turning to more foreign sounding ones like Rendezvous and Touareg (the latter borrowed from a tribe of Saharan nomads), numbers like FX45, xA, and made up names, as in Triant and Maybach.

As a public service, we thought we'd take it upon ourselves to help the ailing auto industry out with a new moniker or two.

It seemed an easy enough idea at first, but we found out just what every car company on Earth finds themselves up against.

And even though the Idea Box in our lunchroom was stuffed, many of the names were not as high quality as we wanted.

Take the Toyota V6 Freeloader.

Okay, this was a loser. The original thought was that by placing the words "free" and "load" together, the consumer would get the feeling that they could load stuff into this SUV and go anywhere they wanted. Unfortunately, the combination of both words leads to the whole being much, much more paltry than the sum of its parts.

We nixed any name that was obviously thought of right before lunch. These include the Saab Lutefisk, Nissan Gyoza, Fiat Alfredo, Peugeot Gratin, and the Mercedes Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte.

We decided all proper names were out. With the exception of the GMC's Jimmy, we'd never seen one. And why would anyone in his or her right mind buy the Chrysler Morty? Also disqualified were those entries thought of by someone who simply dusted off some biblical texts (both Ford V8 Nebuchadnezzar and Chevy V6 Schlomo). Proper names just don't move cars.

We know that foreign names sound nice on automobiles, but only as long as they are pronounceable. Which is why the Audi Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgaben and Volvo All-Wheel Drive Lagtryckskvicksilveranguladdningsanordining  (named after a Low pressure quicksilver vapor discharge apparatus) didn't make the cut. Moreover, no one could figure out how you'd fit either name onto the vehicle itself.

Also in the recycle pile: Peugeot Akimbo, VW Garden Gnome, Toyota CrudHauler, Pontiac Freebird, AMC Pacemaker, Volvo Spirochete, Mazda Chefoo, BMW Shrieker, Lincoln Continental Whopper, and Chevy Mission Style Sofa.

No one knew what to make of the Jeep Mazeltov.

With all those losers, you may be wondering if we came up with anything usable at all.

We did.

Our second runner up is: Fedelis V6 ToteNGo

Not bad, huh? It says so much, without saying too much.

And our winner:

The M car.


Auto manufacturers, we don't expect any money for our hard work. Please just think of it as our way of saying thanks for all of you never giving the green light for the Flying Car.

Good luck in 2010!