To: Adriana Doherty, CEO
From: Jerome Tanaka
RE: Our Department Manager
Over the last several years, before Paul transferred to our group, I heard from people in his previous departments just how difficult it is working with him. Things like, "He's a real nightmare" or "You're better off talking to a wall".
Shortly after Paul became our manager, I realized to my horror not only were all the rumors about him true, but he's even worse than I had imagined. He comes into work earlier than everyone else, stays well after everyone has gone home, and never leaves his office.
You can imagine what this has done for our floor's morale. Since he started, my department has busted their tushes coming in early and staying late to match his workaholic personality.
But to no avail.
No matter how early anyone shows up, he is always here first. He is still here when they leave, even if it's after the cleaning crew has departed.
On top of that, he has been incredibly uncommunicative and refuses to attend any meeting to which he's been invited.
E-mails to him go unanswered. The Inbox on his desk is always overflowing. He never, ever cracks a smile, even out of social kindness.
The slave driver didn't even leave his office during our last fire drill.
This is not why I am writing to you, however.
I wanted to tell you about the curious turn of events that unfolded in my last review.
During our meeting, when he failed to even acknowledge my comments about his miserable behavior, I reached over and tapped him angrily on his chest.
He then toppled over backwards and one of his hands broke off.
At this point I discovered Paul Graham is, in fact, a store mannequin.
Quite a surprise.
I have to compliment your ingenuity for creating a relentless work ethic in our company simply by shifting Paul from department to department.
Which is why I am sure you will equally appreciate how I sent him packing.
Literally.
Several weeks ago I dressed him in a Giorgio Armani suit, put him and a nice rollaway suitcase by a freeway entrance, then put a paper sign in his hands that said "Florida".
I've taken care to load Paul down with postcards, a cheapie digital camera, and a company e-mail list. I've also packed along instructions to anyone who picks him up to put him in the most compromising positions they can, then send everything our way.
Julia in Compliance has already received pictures from someplace called the Chicken Ranch in La Grange, TX. Ned keeps talking about what Paul did in a photo booth in Vegas, but refuses to let the pictures out of his office.
We'll be keeping these items for safekeeping and awaiting his return later this summer.
Which is when you will begin receiving e-mails and memos from him concerning the new work hours and better parking spaces for our department.
I imagine you will find it easier to approve these than explain to your Board of Directors why our intranet has a picture of your handpicked VP stripped to the waist and holding a keg tap on a Mardi Gras float.
Expect excellent reviews during the Upward Feedback process in the fall.
We've decided this is one manager we want to keep forever. And from the information I've gathered about the Rudy M/1 Male E series, it looks like we can!
Thank you in advance for all your continued support.
Sincerely,
Charlie McCarthy and the whole crew
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