Dear Customer Service,
I am writing to you today to file a complaint about the Super3000 Electromagnet I recently purchased from your Web site.
I had bought this magnet on a lark, since I am something of a science buff and often entertain the neighborhood children with feats of wonder involving static electricity, dry ice, and magnets with the assistance of my Yorkshire terrier, Charles Dogwin.
As excited as I was about my purchase, however, upon actually plugging the magnet in and turning it on I instantaneously lost power to my television, computer, VCR, CD player, and (for some reason) Dogwin's automatic watering bowl. In addition, my refrigerator moved three feet out of my kitchen, the metal vertical blinds in my living room stood on end, and every knife in my Henckels cutlery set flew out of its deluxe oak storage block and embedded itself into the wall behind me as if I was in some kind of animated TV show.
Though immediately shutting the magnet off did seem to return everything back to normal (with the exception of the fridge, which my wife and I moved back into the kitchen), I have been experiencing numerous problems around my home that, quite frankly, have me concerned, which I wish to address with your company.
To begin with, my extensive (and priceless) compass collection has been permanently and irreparably damaged. Each now believes the magnetic north pole lies somewhere between my andirons and the divan.
My beloved Dogwin has begun to shed profusely since that day, leaving mounds of fur wherever he lay. He has also begun vibrating.
Most frustratingly, however, is the fact that my entire VHS video collection has been wholly ruined from the brief exposure to the electromagnetic charge. The sheer power of the Super3000 Electromagnet has removed characters from select videos and placed them in others where they simply do not belong.
Imagine my alarm when I had planned a quiet evening at home watching an episode of Bonanza only to be jolted from my chesterfield by the appearance of Clint Eastwood as the "Outlaw Josey Wales". Eastwood promptly walked onto the Ponderosa and punched Little Joe in the eye then kicked him a few times while he was down.
Every VHS tape I own is now a victim of the electromagnet's wrath:
Hannibal Lecter has begun stalking the Golden Girls.
The Nazis from "The Sound of Music" have been replaced by the Nazis from "Schindler's List".
Keanu Reeves' characters from "The Matrix" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" have been irreversibly switched.
The lovable Beaver Cleaver has been emotionally damaged from his exposure to the Elephant Man in one episode and the cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in another.
Finally, Norma Desmond from "Sunset Blvd." has convinced George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life" that he's much better off dead, which changes the point of the movie considerably.
The only saving grace in this whole matter is the disappearance of Jar Jar Binks from Episode I of Star Wars (though he has turned up in a very minor role in Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now").
I will not even get into my extensive audiotape collection, as every time I mention Madonna and Waylon Jennings singing Don Giovanni I begin to weep uncontrollably.
As this is the first time you are hearing about my complaint, I have yet to contact a legal representative.
At the very least I hope you will consider returning my money for the Super 3000 Electromagnet.
Of course, my wish would be reimbursement for Dogwin's countless visits to the veterinarian and pet therapist, as well as money toward rebuilding my priceless media and compass collection.
Please do not contact me by phone, as I have been afraid to answer it since the last time I picked it up, I was mercilessly harassed by the killer from "Scream".
I am writing to you today to file a complaint about the Super3000 Electromagnet I recently purchased from your Web site.
I had bought this magnet on a lark, since I am something of a science buff and often entertain the neighborhood children with feats of wonder involving static electricity, dry ice, and magnets with the assistance of my Yorkshire terrier, Charles Dogwin.
As excited as I was about my purchase, however, upon actually plugging the magnet in and turning it on I instantaneously lost power to my television, computer, VCR, CD player, and (for some reason) Dogwin's automatic watering bowl. In addition, my refrigerator moved three feet out of my kitchen, the metal vertical blinds in my living room stood on end, and every knife in my Henckels cutlery set flew out of its deluxe oak storage block and embedded itself into the wall behind me as if I was in some kind of animated TV show.
Though immediately shutting the magnet off did seem to return everything back to normal (with the exception of the fridge, which my wife and I moved back into the kitchen), I have been experiencing numerous problems around my home that, quite frankly, have me concerned, which I wish to address with your company.
To begin with, my extensive (and priceless) compass collection has been permanently and irreparably damaged. Each now believes the magnetic north pole lies somewhere between my andirons and the divan.
My beloved Dogwin has begun to shed profusely since that day, leaving mounds of fur wherever he lay. He has also begun vibrating.
Most frustratingly, however, is the fact that my entire VHS video collection has been wholly ruined from the brief exposure to the electromagnetic charge. The sheer power of the Super3000 Electromagnet has removed characters from select videos and placed them in others where they simply do not belong.
Imagine my alarm when I had planned a quiet evening at home watching an episode of Bonanza only to be jolted from my chesterfield by the appearance of Clint Eastwood as the "Outlaw Josey Wales". Eastwood promptly walked onto the Ponderosa and punched Little Joe in the eye then kicked him a few times while he was down.
Every VHS tape I own is now a victim of the electromagnet's wrath:
Hannibal Lecter has begun stalking the Golden Girls.
The Nazis from "The Sound of Music" have been replaced by the Nazis from "Schindler's List".
Keanu Reeves' characters from "The Matrix" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" have been irreversibly switched.
The lovable Beaver Cleaver has been emotionally damaged from his exposure to the Elephant Man in one episode and the cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in another.
Finally, Norma Desmond from "Sunset Blvd." has convinced George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life" that he's much better off dead, which changes the point of the movie considerably.
The only saving grace in this whole matter is the disappearance of Jar Jar Binks from Episode I of Star Wars (though he has turned up in a very minor role in Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now").
I will not even get into my extensive audiotape collection, as every time I mention Madonna and Waylon Jennings singing Don Giovanni I begin to weep uncontrollably.
As this is the first time you are hearing about my complaint, I have yet to contact a legal representative.
At the very least I hope you will consider returning my money for the Super 3000 Electromagnet.
Of course, my wish would be reimbursement for Dogwin's countless visits to the veterinarian and pet therapist, as well as money toward rebuilding my priceless media and compass collection.
Please do not contact me by phone, as I have been afraid to answer it since the last time I picked it up, I was mercilessly harassed by the killer from "Scream".
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