To: All Budding Writers, Actors, and Musicians currently employed at Rupert Hafley & Sons
From: Rupert Hafley, Esq.
It has come to my attention, repeatedly, that many of our law firm's staff members have been endeavoring to introduce more "creativity" into their work.
I understand that we all work in the so-called Entertainment Capital of the World and many of you have dreams beyond working here at Hafley & Sons, but I must request that you curb your creative instincts until the time you leave our premises.
Though I myself enjoy a great book, concert, or subtitled film, I do not wish, upon entering our law library to be greeted by the "Tax Attorney Gone Acoustic," as just happened this past Friday. Nor do I expect to be treated to a Poetry Slam while I am trying to use the men's washroom.
Memos and emails are used to conduct business and layout policies and procedures, they are not your personal forum to attempt to write in poetic forms such as iambic pentameter, sonnet, or haiku (e.g., "Brand new procedure/Please use recycled paper/The Earth will thank you"). If you are compelled to write in verse, save it for notes to your loved ones and for bathroom walls at the filling station.
The same goes for writing a memorandum in the style of Shakespeare, James Joyce, or (and I still have no idea why anyone thought this would be a good idea) Snoop Dogg.
Likewise court presentations should never read like the latest independent film offering. I'm not going to point fingers at whose work this is, but I'll let you consider for yourself how this would sound to a judge:
"The plaintiff looked around, and, seeing no one, took the confidential papers from the drawer."
"Enter, ED BEVICK, Security Guard. Ed is 38 and has never had much to offer since his successful high school football career ended. Ed's life is just as you would think it might be, eating his dinner alone in an empty apartment watching TV and drinking a Miller Lite."
There's a reason why courtroom scenes in movies are so unrealistic: courtrooms are tedious places. Please do not try to brighten things up with your dramatic flair.
Which brings me to my next point: if you are a budding actor, please refrain from introducing theater to the courtroom by acting out testimonies or hiring your acting "buddies" to do so. You may not have been around long enough to realize that our firm was found in contempt of court when three junior partners staged a "rock opera," with full orchestral accompaniment, in the late 1970's. This is an episode we have been trying to downplay for more than 30 years, let's not bring it back into the light of day.
Judges do not wish to hear you cross-examining witnesses in phony cockney, South African, or German accents, nor do they expect to see Al Pacino, Tom Cruise, or Susan Dey presenting a case. I guarantee each of the judges and jury members has a DVD player and a local video store if they feel the need to be entertained.
Using acting exercises, such as proposing the plaintiff be blindfolded and asked to fall back into someone's arms to prove her or she has trust issues, is not only preposterously bizarre, but verifies that you know absolutely nothing about the law.
Do I really have to point this out?
As of this memo, I do not expect to find any staff member on premises uploading their latest mini-film onto YouTube, putting the finishing touches to their latest hit single, or painting a tromp l'oeil on their ceiling to "generate inspiration".
This is a tax law office, people, it is supposed to be quiet, boring, and mind-bogglingly tedious.
If you don't feel like working in a place where, comparatively, a Jane Austen novel moves at lightning speed, please make an appointment to see me.
If you're looking to see some speed, I think you'll be surprised at the pace in which we fill vacancies at our firm.
Thank you for your time.
Leave a comment