"Kiddie Lit"

As a Children's Book Editor, I'm that behind-the-scenes gal you never think of when reading your child his or her favorite bedtime story.

Just like a Music Producer or pushy Stage Mother, a good Children's Book Editor should disappear from a work so completely that the only thing you'll experience is a superbly told story that's beautifully illustrated.

You should take into account the conference room full of exhausted executives debating whether or not Wallace the Kitten should wear a beret. (An actual event, by the way. Looks like we made the right decision because Wallace went on to nab the coveted Caldecott Medal with head unadorned!!)

Though invisible, Editors still have a crucial job. Thanks to people like me you'll never see books like "Jinky the Markedly Neurotic Inch Worm" or "Is That YOUR Filthy Handkerchief?" Two projects nixed by yours truly.

Just last week I was showing an Author that in no way does a reader want to see Max the Frustrated Calico Kitty toting a semi-automatic weapon ("The Cat with the Gatt"). Can you believe it? What if the gun went off and hit Boisterous Baboon or Trembly Elephant with armor-piercing bullets? Mind-boggling.

Let's face it, it's an unfortunate fact of life that Authors and Illustrators, just like many Artists, are out of their minds.

I say this out of love, but (God bless them) they really are a bunch of fruitcakes.

Many even have children of their own, if you can believe it. Even though these kids' parents are well meaning, merely by being gainfully employed Artists themselves, they're teaching children that people can earn a good living by making art.

A poor lesson all around.

You'll never catch THIS Editor working on a child's book starring Lil' Weepy van Gough, I assure you.

Art is fine, but if you're still in your room drawing at 38 years old, there is just something wrong with you.

But my job isn't to decide who does or doesn't get work, it's to make good work better and ensure bad work never makes it to your local library. It's time consuming, but I have you and your children in mind every time I reject titles like "Strangers Have the Very Best Candy", "The Gaza Strip Pop Up Book", or Snoop Doggs' "Go Dogg Go!"

I "just say no" to any book that promotes blatant consumerism ("Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Where's the Wal-Mart?" and "Campbell's Soup for the Toddler's Soul"), is too outrageous (George Carlin's "Seven Words you Can't Say in a Children's Book"), or just depressing ("Your Future in Middle Management" and "Look! The Universe is Falling Apart").

I also am VERY picky about character names in books. I say there are just some names you don't dole out. Male names like Adolf, Jeb, Clive, Puffy, Lester, Cletus, Myron, Nigel, and Schlomo. Or female names like Fanny, Breeanah, Agnes, Rita, Barbra, Ulrika, and Lurlene.

"Cletus Hears a Who". I mean, really!

If YOU were a children's book Author would you give Giggles Gorilla a Yiddish accent ("Bananas? Oy vey, what do you know from bananas?") Or have Billy Trembil espousing the merits of hemp? Probably not.

Though strikingly illustrated, does any child really need to know more about Corporate Mediation? And why, oh why, would anyone make a coloring book about P. Diddy's life?

Yet this is the kind of pablum that crosses my desk every day.

Artists.

So, the next time you're reading aloud and your little one doesn't have to ask, "What's wrong with Betty's adrenal gland?" or "Why do those bears live in a trailer park while these bears live in a gated community?", you can think of me.

I'll be hiding in the shadows with a red pen, tackling all of the tough issues.

So you don't have to come down to my office and punch the Artists in the nose yourself.