Memo
To: All Agents Currently Assigned to USA
From: Your Supreme Commander
RE: Understanding and Using American-Specific Humor References
It has come to my attention that many Agents are in danger of "blowing your cover " (to use an Earth idiom) by your misuse of humorous references intrinsic to the American human population.
I cannot express strongly enough how important it is for you to understand ALL of the native terminology, particularly the ones related to humor, as the humans tend to drop their guard after a good laugh.
I would like to remind everyone that you ALL need to fit into these societies seamlessly if we are ever to completely dominate this planet.
Our crack research team has given us the following updated list of humorous expressions for your use. Please memorize this list, then destroy this document.
Note that these are for use with Americans, not Canadians.
Updated Humor References
[6853b in the Year of Yorba]
"You talkin' to me?" Overly used movie expression which indicates mock-psychosis. From the film Taxi Driver. You may use this in jest, not as an actual threat.
Hick. A person stereotyped as gun loving, racist, and/or having a low IQ, who may or may not live in a trailer. See also: REDNECK, HILLBILLY, BUMPKIN, CLODHOPPER, HAYSEED, RUBE, YOKEL
"I could've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids." Reference to the children's television show "Scooby Doo". Only to be used in jest. If you are currently assigned as a Gangsta, Thug, or Crime Boss, you are not to employ this expression should you be apprehended.
The Betty Ford Clinic. Drug rehabilitation hospital for celebrities and the very wealthy. See also: BILLY JOEL, MARY TYLER MOORE, KELSEY GRAMMER, JOHNNY CASH, JERRY LEE LEWIS, ANNA NICOLE SMITH, ELIZABETH TAYLOR, STEVIE NICKS, AND OZZY OSBOURNE
"Bad memories from P.E." Refers to Physical Education, a class given to American children in elementary and middle school. See also: DODGE BALL, THE NURSE'S OFFICE, WEDGIE, NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND
Rubber crutch. This is something you should not find funny.
"I see dead people." Movie catchphrase from the movie "The Sixth Sense". Mainly used when a human sees union film crews, politicians, or anyone watching a "period" English film. You should laugh when someone says it.
"You Want it When?" You will see this poorly copied cartoon prominently displayed whenever you go to an auto or hardware store or the Department of Motor Vehicles. Do not laugh when you see it, as it is not intended to be humorous. Do not point out that their business has a sign posted which illustrates their own poor service. See also: IRONY
Britney Spears. You just need to laugh and shake your head.
"Going straight to my hips!" Spoken after a female human has eaten a food product that is high in calories, referring to their own weight gain. You may smile after someone says this or validate with, "I hear that, sister!"
"Good enough for government work!" You may say this after you've done a particularly poor job and everyone will laugh.
"Working hard or hardly working?" Most Americans do not find this expression amusing, but when someone says it you should laugh anyway or the person who said it might hit you.
Please note these following deletions in your expression roster, due to overuse:
"Whaaasuppp?"
"My bad"
"You go, girl"
"Bling"
"Weapons of mass destruction"
As we have previously encountered with both Agent Carrot Top and Agent Gallagher, the American people do not consider our alien race (or Germans) inherently funny, please do not try to make a joke outright.
If you are with company and expected to make a joke, do not panic. Remember your training and add the phrase, "That's what she said" after somebody else finishes their sentence. This will work in most cases.
As a general rule of thumb (to borrow yet another American idiom), if the person to whom you are speaking SEEMS to be making a joke, you should laugh when they are done. You should laugh harder if it involves a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister and they are entering a bar, getting on an airplane, or are involved in a triple blind date.
Please note that any Agent failing to conform to their surroundings by the end of Q4 will be shipped back to our planet and eaten.
Thank you for your time.
That's what she said.
See? Works every time.
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