"Happy Birthday to Me"

To: CEO's 60th Birthday Bash "Crew"
From: James Avery, CEO

While I know it might seem uncommon to make requests for a birthday celebration that is still in its early planning stages, I was hoping you would take a moment to find below a short inventory of items I do not want to see at my upcoming birthday event.

Not that I find turning 60 years old a serious or somber occasion, but I have been hearing a number of "fun" ideas for this event in the hallways that have set my very hair on end.

Since many of my corporate peers will be in attendance (many of whom, I should remind you, are high ranking officers at well-respected companies), I am hoping that you are planning a tasteful, yet entertaining event.

I realize that the four of you have most likely been throwing around a number of themes for this party, which is perfectly acceptable, as I do want this event to be enjoyable for everyone invited. But I did want to reiterate this event should show a certain amount of refinement.

Which means themes like Rock 'n Roll, Hawaiian Luau, or Pirate Party should not be considered. (I have no idea who would throw a Pirate party, but I saw one pictured in a catalog recently, so I thought I'd better include it.) A Mardi Gras theme is also off-limits, primarily because I don't want inebriated staff members exposing themselves in exchange for tawdry plastic beads during this function.

I do not want a Roaring 20's Gangster party. We currently have enough issues with "gangsters" in this city, let's not encourage people to dress up and "party" like one.

I am also strongly opposed to any gambling/Vegas themed party. If you have spoken to HR, you are already aware  (mostly because those people in HR cannot keep their mouths shut) that a number of people in this company have had previous problems with gambling. Knowing that an ex-gambler might relapse while trying to win enough chips to buy an oversized stuffed Tweety Bird then consequently leave their family penniless is not a risk I'm willing to take.

I do not want a Retro 60's party. Many members of this company's Board of Directors were conservative in 1969 and are still conservative now. Subjecting them to wearing beads, fringe jackets, and "Peace Now!" buttons would be like forcing Ann Coulter to dress up like a member of the Village People.

There are also a number of items I do not want set out on guests' tables. To begin with, I do not want any item that glows in the dark or makes noise of any kind. I am going to give a twenty-minute speech during the event, so it's going to be difficult enough to obtain guests' attention (especially two hours into an open bar), so I do not need to hear the sound of a metallic kazoo playing "I Did it My Way" while I am trying to speak.

For this same reason I do not want anything on the tables which can be hurled, flown, launched, or flung at me.

I do not want to see inflatable footballs, fish decorations, festive straws, themed toothpicks, tiny containers of bubbles, wacky hats, or anything to do with a cowboy or a safari.

I don't want plates, napkins, and cheap plastic cups which inform everyone I am "Over the Hill" nor do I want to see a headstone with my name on it.

I do not want to see my guests scrambling on the floor for discount candy falling out of a piñata.

I do not intend to be blindfolded during any part of this event.

I do not want to see goody bags or disposable cameras on guest's tables.

I do not want to do the Macarena, the Electric Slide, or the Limbo.

I hope it is not asking too much that you please refrain from any use of confetti, streamers, and/or balloons on this occasion.

Most of all, I hope this memo helps clear up any questions you may have had about my tastes and preferences.

I realize the four of you have quite a bit of work to do, so I won't keep you further.

I do want to thank each of you for accepting your appointment to be on this event committee.

I am sure it will be a resounding success.