We can proudly announce That Bit at the End is now 70% Certified Organic!
That is to say that no more than 30% of the material found in this column is pilfered from other sources like newspapers, television shows, trade magazines, or conversations we overheard in the elevator.
In keeping with the government's just released Organic Content Law of 2007, nearly every paragraph you read right here will not parody, mimic, or otherwise ape any previously spoken, written, or broadcasted observations, comments, or remarks.
Terrific news for anyone who tires of hearing the name Paris Hilton!
Under this new law, all material that is not Organic (original) in and of itself must be labeled with the percentage of material which is Non-Organic (borrowed).
What does this mean to you, the consumer? Good question!
Say you're watching a sidesplitting television sitcom and two of the characters decide to share an apartment. If those characters start to bicker and divide the apartment in half with masking tape, then the episode must be labeled as Non-Organic Comedy Material according to the new government guidelines; more so if the characters start making jokes about access to the bathroom and hallway.
That means the next time you see a plot that contains the "pretend you're my boyfriend/girlfriend/boss so I can impress my boss/parent/ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend," you will know ahead of time how much of the material will be fresh and how much of it will be borrowed from sitcoms dating back to 1952.
Also covered under this law is the first comedic impression of a politician (which will get an Organic Impression rating). Every subsequent impression of the original comedian's impression of that politician (i.e., anyone doing Rich Little's impression of President Nixon), will need to state they are working with 50% Post-Comedic Waste.
Henny Youngman routines are now outlawed.
Great news, huh?
Movies or TV shows that borrow a previously written plotline must now automatically be labeled 50% Non-Organic (for example a Taming of the Shrew storyline between two characters on CSI:Miami).
Any actor imitating another actor (for example, an actor imitating Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry) to play a scene, must expressly state the reference to the audience.
Likewise, any movie loses two Organic Points for each usage of phrases like "I'll be back" or "You had me at hello." For example, there would be a total loss of four Organic Points for an actor blurting out, "Here comes Johnny!" (impersonation of Jack Nicholson in The Shining who, in turn, was lampooning Ed McMahon). See the government's complete list of phrases at www.rehash.non-organic.gov.
Hollywood must now cease and desist production of movies that were television shows in the 1970's.
Anyone performing The Rocky Horror Picture Show while the film is being projected above them can now be cited by the police.
Newspaper stories like "What really happened to JonBenet?" and "The Miracle Diet" will now bear the Non-Organic label due to their abnormally high Inorganic Content.
Also regulated are the Marketing expressions "New," "New and Improved," "New Packaging, Same Great Taste!" and "Wow, Did You Even LOOK at the Fat Content?"
Just so you know, the Content Law doesn't only apply to movies and journalism, our home and office lives will also be affected.
Around the office, any person using the term "bandwidth," expressing that "I'm trying to get my head around this," or threatening to "think outside the box" must mention that they are using Non-Organic Material.
Similarly, anyone asking a coworker ,"Whassup?!"
E-mails that have been forwarded but not read because the sender was too lazy to read them must now be labeled "Secondhand Material â€" Contents Unknown."
Fines will also be issued to any American citizen knowingly forwarding an amusing e-mail after removing the "FW:" subject heading. (The law states, "FW: e-mail heading may not be removed except by the consumer under penalty of law.")
In our own homes, anyone who asks if "I look fat in this," says something was "so last week," or pronounces "I'm not too drunk to drive" will be fined or (in the latter case) imprisoned.
Grudges will now be considered 50% Non-Organic, old grudges 70%, and fond memories a full 85%.
Embellishments of old stories will be discounted two Organic percentage points for each infraction thereof.
Déjàvu will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
Religious exclusions to the law include recitations of the Torah, Bible, and Koran and whatever it is that guy is doing on Venice Beach with candles and an altar.
Who says too much government is bad?
But back to us.
We're still exceedingly happy to announce that a full 70% of what you read right here is and will continue to be the freshest, most unsullied content available.
On the other hand, the other 30% is probably still going to be rehashed pap.
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