"Plant One on Me"

Dear trusted Bentley & Sons customer,

We would like to extend our deepest apologies to any of our valued clients who received an erroneous gift from Bentley & Sons this 2006 holiday season.

As the firm that manages your retirement funds, we hope you can appreciate that it was our desire to express gratitude to you, our top customers, in a fiscally responsible manner.

It was this rationale that had led us to choose a lovely (and very cost-effective) ornamental Lucky Bamboo plant as a client gift this year. Suitable for the office or home, the superbly low-maintenance Lucky Bamboo has been as a symbol of prosperity to the Chinese people for thousands of years.

We were assured not only would this plant provide good "feng shui" no matter where placed, but that it had minimal light requirements.

With these specifics in mind, our Marketing Department ordered over twenty thousand of what we believed to be the perfect gift for our clients: Item #4687, the Lucky Bamboo Plant in a Cobalt Blue Ceramic Vase.

That was our plan.

We recently found out that, through some misunderstanding with our vendor that many of you took delivery of Item #4787: the Venomous Spitting Hemlock Plant in a Fire Engine Red Ceramic Vase.

Our vendor is still trying to track down the source of the confusion (he believes it lies in the dissimilarity between the Mandarin and Cantonese dialects).

Unfortunately, not only does the Spitting Hemlock reputedly cause negative energy, it is also notoriously fussy, and may very well be the most dangerous type of vegetation on the planet.

While touching the Lucky Bamboo is said to bring good fortune, stroking the Venomous Spitting Hemlock Plant will cause abnormal thirst, distorted sight, delirium, incoherence, and possible coma.

You can imagine our embarrassment at this mishap.

We wanted to thank our clients who caught this error initially and alerted us to the problem while their Spitting Hemlocks were still in the box.

For those of you who removed the erroneous plant from its box (black with illustrations of a skull and crossbones prominently displayed on all sides), we ask that you refrain from handling the plant itself. Doing so has caused at least sixteen hospitalizations among our preferred customers, and we do not wish to add your name to the list.

If you have already positioned the plant on your desk or in a sunny nook inside your house, we request that you dispose of it in the nearest biohazard waste receptacle. Be sure to wear rubber gloves and safety glasses while handling the plant and throw the gloves away when you have finished.

If you notice that your plant is bearing tiny yellow berries and seems to quiver violently when you approach it, we beg you to refrain from making any sudden movements and to slowly exit the room. Our vendor (More-4-Less Discount On-Line Plant Emporium) has cautioned that upon reaching what he calls the "Berry Stage," this plant becomes particularly dangerous. At this point any rapid movement in the plant's general vicinity is considered an act of aggression. The plant will attack if provoked. This type of Hemlock (conium lethal lethalicus) possesses poisonous barbs, which it can shoot with deadly accuracy up to 25 feet.

If your Venomous Spitting Hemlock Plant has already reached this juncture, evacuate your office or home and dial the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Ask for Special Agent Adler at the Lethal Plant Squad as he has been very sympathetic throughout this calamity and is the only individual at the bureau credentialed to handle aggressive flora.

Please also phone Special Agent Adler if your plant has recently disappeared. While coworkers may have merely removed it, these plants may develop locomotion and should be considered hazardous to the public at large. If your plant is missing, exit the building by shielding your face and exposed limbs with a heavy winter coat or blanket. Be sure to check under the desks during your egress, as Spitting Hemlocks can conceal themselves and subsequently jump 15 feet to attack their quarry.

We apologize in advance to those offices with multiple Bentley & Sons customers who may have received six or more of the incorrect plants.

Thank you for your continued understanding.

For those customers who received our proper (and very attractive) Lucky Bamboo offering, we genuinely hope all that your holidays were meaningful and that the Lucky Bamboo brings you good fortune and prosperity for years to come.

If you or a loved one are currently hospitalized after coming in contact with the Venomous Spitting Hemlock plant, we offer you our deepest apologies and invite you to phone our office your earliest convenience so we may know where to send flowers.

Wishing you the best in 2007,

Bentley & Sons