Congratulations on your purchase of a new RockStar In-Vehicle Safety and Security System. We hope that you find our service easy to understand and potentially life saving to use!
Using revolutionary technology, RockStar provides you with the latest road, weather, and hazard information as well as real-time, 24/7 assistance. Just press the red RockStar button and you'll be connected to a well-trained, knowledgeable RockStar Advisor ready to help.
Where else are you be able to get valuable in-car assistance from rock legends like Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep), Rikki Rockett (Poison), Ben Sidran (Steve Miller Band), and Neal Doughty (R.E.O. Speedwagon)?
Only with RockStar!
We thank you for your patronage and look forward to providing years of rockin' good service!
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The following services may be available depending on your Package Level.
SERVICE: Automatic Notification of Air Bag Deployment
DESCRIPTION: In the event your air bags deploy, your vehicle will send a signal to a RockStar Advisor.
BENEFIT: A RockStar Advisor will contact you and inquire whether you need assistance. If the RockStar cannot hear you because he is at a loud bar, club, or amphitheatre, you may need to hold the line while he makes his way to a quiet place outside where he can talk/smoke.
In cases where you cannot answer the RockStar Advisor's inquiries because you just hit your larynx on the air bag, you may have to wait a few moments while he continues shouting, "Who IS THIS? Sidney, is that you? Come on, answer! Dude, this is NOT funny!!!" and finally figures out that it is indeed an emergency call. At this point, your RockStar Advisor will pack up their stuff and use the GPS to try to locate you and your vehicle. (Service unavailable by RockStar Advisors who have had their licenses revoked.)
SERVICE: Remotely Locking/Unlocking Door
DESCRIPTION: You lock your keys in the car and can't get back in.
BENEFIT: You'll have quick and easy entry into your vehicle. Just give the RockStar Advisor your secure PIN and they'll send a signal to unlock your door. (Please note that there may be a time lag while the RockStar Advisor tries to remember where he put the codebook containing PIN numbers.)
If you've forgotten to lock your doors once you're away from your vehicle, a RockStar Advisor can send a signal to lock them for you. (Keeping in mind, of course, that RockStars are extraordinarily forgetful and often cannot remember to pay rent, send birthday cards, or call their mothers. RockStar LLC is not liable for a RockStar Advisor forgetting to lock your car resulting in finding your vehicle stripped and up on blocks.)
SERVICE: Emergency Situations
DESCRIPTION: If you find yourself or another person in a situation where you need immediate assistance from police, fire, or emergency medical services (EMS), simply press the red emergency button.
BENEFIT: Your location information is transmitted and your call takes priority status on RockStar Advisor's screen. (However, if at the exact same time a pizza is arriving at the RockStar Advisor's front door or he is in the middle of a really good part of a DVD, this may take precedence over your emergency call. Do not panic, the Advisor will get to you as soon as the Pizza Guy is paid or the good part of the movie is over.)
SERVICE: Driving Directions
DESCRIPTION: Helpful RockStar Advisors with up-to-date computer maps are a great way to make sure you're headed in the right direction!
BENEFIT: Get directions without stopping. Upon your request, Advisors will use a global positioning system to locate your vehicle and give you clear(ish) directions to your destination or guidance to nearby motels, ATMs, seedy bars, all-night diners, and places to get a 20-foot,16-gauge speaker cable at 3am. As many RockStar Advisors have previously been Pizza Delivery Men or Bicycle Couriers themselves, they know the shortcuts (both legal and through front yards) to get you where you're going quickly.
SERVICE: Ride Assistance
DESCRIPTION: Should you or your vehicle not be suitable for driving home, a RockStar Advisor will call a taxicab at your request.
BENEFIT: A (mostly) reliable way to make it home. If no cab is available, the RockStar Advisor or one of his out-of-work band mates will come pick you up in a van. Please do remember there may be some lag time if the RockStar Advisor is asleep or lapsing in and out of a drug-induced coma.
SERVICE: Stolen Vehicle Tracking
DESCRIPTION: If you determine that your vehicle has been stolen, RockStar will help the police determine its location. Contact a RockStar Advisor from your vehicle. Ooh, wait, your vehicle's been stolen. Right. We'll get back to you on this one.
BENEFIT: None yet.
SERVICE: RockStar Concierge
DESCRIPTION: Having trouble finding the perfect restaurant for a romantic interlude? A Zagat Guide might be your first choice, but if you're looking for a cheap place for burritos or one of those places that won't kick you out no matter how loud and inebriated your table gets, contact your RockStar Advisor for guidance that can't be found in any book.
BENEFIT: RockStar gives you the one source for rock recommendations and information for most major U.S. cities (in which your RockStar Advisor has personally toured). Sample inquiries include: Where's the best place to crash when your girlfriend kicks you out? What's the difference between a Fender Telecaster and Stratocaster? Where can you get chicken and waffles on the same plate? Only your RockStar Advisor knows for sure!
SERVICE: Roadside Assistance
DESCRIPTION: Whether you need gas, a tire changed or your car towed, a RockStar Advisor may contact help. Then again, they may not.
BENEFIT: Minor at best. This service really depends on the mood the Advisor at the time of the call. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience. You may want to consider also joining the Automobile Club.
Thank you for joining the many satisfied customers already using RockStar In-Vehicle Safety and Security System to help make life easier and a little more rockin'.
And if your vehicle is a minivan, you can use all the rock n' roll lifestyle you can get.
Remember, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, a RockStar is only a button away.
Give or take 40 minutes.
Or so.
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